Saturday, October 20, 2012

Truth in lies....a continuation.

 A continuation from day 18 of 31 days of reflecting on truth.

Living with unmet needs has left scars because the wounds were so deep.  Even now my mind does not want to go there because the memories are so draining.  This place hurts.  And this hurting makes me angry.  Then the anger subsides and I'm left weeping.  I can accept a lot of things but that doesn't make it any less painful.

I know God has a way of using things and He has.  For I have learned what it is to persevere, to trust Him and to truly believe that He is faithful.

My mistake was believing that because so many needs had been left unmet, I must not truly need anything but God.  This was a way of coping.  If I didn't truly need them then I could block them out and become numb to them.  And I had been doing this for a period of years only it doesn't work so well.  You can't pick and choose when to feel and not feel.  What to feel and not feel.  It is either all or nothing.  And nothing is a dangerous place, because it destroys all connections to or with anything.

I chose to restore feeling because I needed to feel God in order to experience and continue a relationship with Him, not just to go through the motions out of routine or a condemned spirit.  This is the difference between a head knowledge of God and a heart knowledge.  I needed to feel to connect with my children in order to take better care of them.  I needed to feel if I was going to continue to pursue a relationship with my husband.  I needed to feel in order to be mindful of other people and identify with their needs.  

And this brings me full circle. I have to stop denying that I too have needs.  And that that is not a bad thing.  Everyone has need of something.  I need Him daily.  I need Him to put an end to my striving.  I need Him to whisper it's okay that I'm not living up to my expectations of myself because He wants me to live out of who He is in me.  God, I've got to quit with all this trying and just be.

The truth in lies is this, I am needy.  But being needy is a part of humanity.  It's not a sign of weakness.  It's a sign we were meant to be connected.  Connected to God and those He desires to have a place in our lives.  Our failure to realize and admit this is often times what prevents our deepest needs from being met. 

I need to make room for grace and make her feel invited because she has a way of setting me at ease.

 Day nineteen of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series) 


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