Friday, September 28, 2012

Blood, sweat and tears. What they all have in common....

This gets me, it gets me in the gut, these words I write, that I express, rip me wide open and all at once I am whole and I am broken.  I am at peace and I am at war.  I am tangled, searching and I am undone, staring straight into the son.  How can I love so much what I don't wholly or completely know?  But I do.  And this thing is to be my driving force, my inspiration and my pursuit.

.....I crashed this morning.  Everything within me broke wide open and my one plea was, "God I need you to hold me.".  For weeks now, everything has felt like it was caving in and once again I was trying to handle it.  But what happened this morning, I so desperately needed it.  

My body trembled as anguish poured out like blood leaving the body.  Everything became numb until I felt the warmth of Him wrap like a blanket around me.  I divert the thoughts to condemn myself for waiting so long to call out and instead I choose to just breathe and snuggle deep into the warmth of Him covering me.

I could lie.  I could pretend.  I could hold this all in.  But I will no longer run from my healing...God break this in me.  And maybe in a way my healing could begin your healing too.

Maybe that's really why I write and maybe that's why it can be such a fight sometimes.

There aren't enough lights in this dark and this is why I must fight, why I have been fighting all my life.  One true light does exist.  I have witnessed this over and over; time and time again.  My heartaches to remember this and it aches to know that you know this too.  And in this, my life begins to make sense.

The lines I have walked, the fights I have fought, this life I have choices, my decisions....why obedience has been my life, it's about You and about you.

Yes, you!  You reading this.  You may say no, no I don't even know you.  And maybe personally I don't but I'm almost certain I can identify with your hurt and your feelings, for the things I have experienced have been for that very reason.

True intercession is birthed out of fighting battles that are beyond all your reasoning.  The things we fight that just don't make sense.  Times you've said I thought I was past this only for it to come back again and again.  Wisdom now tells you your tactics have to be different and you determine to fight when all hell screams "Just  quit".  And maybe even God says, you choose your route, but something in you says "no, I have to fight this fight to its death.".  

These moments....they have purpose.  They are moving things in the heavens.  That's why the fight feels so real and presses so hard on you.  Its not only your deliverance you are pursuing.  It's for the lives that your life is touching.   After all all of humanity is interwoven.  That's why we must fight and keep fighting.  That's why when you sweat, you sweat blood.  You don't know this but your sweat, it's covering someone.  So when the time comes, they won't have to sweat as hard as you have because of the battles you've won., after writing, typing and reading this, I don't know what you will make of it however it is a piece of me poured out and the words of a song play softly in my oil upon your feet, like wine for you to drink, like water from my heart, I pour my love on you.  If praise is like perfume, I'll lavish mine on you,  Till every drop is gone, I'll pour my love on you.....

Thursday, September 20, 2012

The long one....

You know the answers I was searching for, frustrated and struggling cause I didn't have them.  They've found me and well I would really like to send them back to where they came from.  I don't like them.  They aren't pretty.  No bows, no glitter, no cutesy note.  No promises things are about to get easier.  Certainly no sugar coating.

But how often does the truth really come packaged like that? 

Rather it generally comes in an unsuspecting form that makes you curious so you begin peeling back the layers so to speak.  Seems harmless and you feel like, "Hey, I might be getting somewhere!", cause a few lights have started to go off in that pretty little head of yours.  

So you keep digging.  Keep listening.  Keep reading.  Then, "BAM", before you even know what hit you, you are reeling from the cold, hard truth of it all.  No quick attempts to pick yourself up off the floor.  No back peddling or turning your tail to run, because though it is hard and it hurts and your heart feels like it's going to burst another part of you wants to sit there and scream and to curse.

Once again you are at war.  You wanted the truth.  And the truth hurts.  You wanted to slam the door on it but you know truth is meant to set you free and isn't "free" what you have been desiring?  Still you're murmuring, complaining, "This is going to be work.  Haven't I almost worked myself to death just to get here?".  And the answer is a big, fat resounding "Yes".  But didn't you already know this is war?

You are at war for your mind.  At war for your heart.  At war for those God dreams you thought had died.  You are at war for a man.  At war for those children that you break wide open for each and everyday.  You are at war for that family member.  That neighbor.  That women that you are desperate to reach out to.  You are at war for each and every individual that needs to hear you and your story poured out.

So yes, it has been work.  The road has been hard and it has been long.  All of which has been preparation for this battle.  There is so much to lose but oh so much more to be gained.  You can drag your feet.  But you can not avoid this battle.

 Unless of course you are willing to stop dead in your tracks and walk away from all of your hopes.  All of your dreams.  And say to the masses, "You don't need me.  This world does not need to hear my story and I'm sorry you are going to have to continue to suffer because I refuse to surrender my life for the cause of Christ."

Can you live with those last words?

     -I dropped the girls off at school this morning, came back home (I work from here), laid down on the bed and started to cry about how hard life is right now.  Intent on wallowing in self pity because I'm so tired.  I feel so alone and I'm sick of the hurting.  Sick of the charade.  The masks we all hide behind.  The foolishness of pretending.  The fear of exposing.  These things that keep us isolated; secluded.

Hello!!!! Does anybody here me?  The truth is so many of us are all in the same boat.  Kinda like the titanic.  I hope you can swim, cause it doesn't matter how pretty or impressive it looks on the outside.  There are serious holes under the surface that are going to sink this ship.  It's just a matter of time.

But God. For minute, I thought I heard an echo.  But God..but God..but God..... He won't allow me to keep going there.  So I picked up a pen and a notebook and just began writing and this, this is what came out.

Purging.  Yes, purging.  The lies.  The mounds of lies I once succumbed too.  They all must come out.  

-Let me just say, God will rebuke you when you pick them back up again after the realization of what they are.  This is His loving way of protecting you from yourself on days like today.  It is the evidence of the deep relationship that you have with Him.  You know Him and accept His ways.  He knows you and knows you will listen and take instruction.  This that I speak of is what real intimacy looks like.  Letting Him look into me and see all the things I once thought were hidden.  The things I once wanted to hide from you.

My sin.  My shame.

Jesus came that I might be saved from all of it.  I have accepted Him.  It's time to let these things go.  They are not who or what I am.  They have shaped me but do not define me.  Only God has permission to do that.

I am signing off now....don't wipe the sweat from your brow just yet.... with one final thought....I hope you laughed just then at yourself or at thought, right?  God redeems what we are willing to release (this means letting go of).  Will you give Him your life, each and every messy and dirty and broken and hollow part of it?  The God of the bible, my heavenly father, my one and only best friend promises beauty in return.  Sounds like the deal of eternity to me.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Yes God, it's me and I'm struggling....

I'm struggling today.  There I said it.  No actually this has been going on for several days now.  Hence, my absence.  Sometimes I hate having questions and no answers to them.  This is one of those times.  I am so tired of hearing myself say, "I don't know".  

And so goes the tears. 

Yes, if you haven't notice I'm a crier.  Always have been and always will be.  It is my way of connecting with Him.  Wow.  It is funny how that just came out.  I know it is something I have always done.  But now it makes sense.  It's what happens when the two become one, when my thoughts, my feelings, the essence of me are met with His presence.  The waters begin to flow. 

I hang my head in surrender and watch as a puddle forms on the surface of my desk.  My shoulders relax and I take a deep breath.  There is relief in knowing He sees I'm struggling.  How I desperately need for Him to see that.  I need for Him to interject Himself.  And He does.  Because my tears have invited Him.  

I've let the brave face go.  I've stopped pretending.  I'm identifying with all that is hurting.  The contractions are back and I'm reminded.  I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT HIM.  Why do I keep trying?  Isn't it the trying that continues the struggle.  Yes, its the trying that gets me in trouble, every time.  My own efforts.  My own strength.  Who am I kidding?  I can't do this.  I can't do this alone.

The fog is finally lifting and the words, "Your Spirit's water to my soul" take on new meaning.  I have often wondered about these tears I cry.  Tried to stop them.  Been embarrassed by them.  But they are a part of who I am or maybe whose I am.  Probably both.  

As a small child, five maybe six, I could be found sitting in front of the stereo with tears rolling down my face.  This I can see like it was yesterday. This is me then.  And yes, little did I understand that even then He was speaking.

My daddy had a love for music and always had it going.  After he began to fall in love with Jesus, most of what he played was about Him.  

"Thank you God for my daddy.  For the ways he demonstrated his love for You.  The music that filled our home.  The feel of the leather bible cover that he crafted with his own hands to guard the Word that he was learning to cherish and hide in his heart.  His kindness toward strangers and how he could never look the other way when someone was in need.  These things made it feasible to reach for grace in the tough times that we seemed to be at odds and my mind wanted to question his love for me.  Only a girl knows how much she needs the love of a father."

My mama would always ask, Laci is everything okay?  I never had words to describe what I was feeling.  I was drawn and we collided, my God and me.  To think now how the Holy Spirit has always visited me.  

And yet I forget and I struggle.  I try hard and I fail.  But what once took months to see has now dwindled to days. Slowly, I'm getting it.  

Lord, You, make all the difference.  And You are the answer to everything.  Cause my "I don't knows" to become "God knows" and let that be more than enough for me.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Thank God for the process....

Do you believe that God knows what is best for you?  That His intentions are good?  That His plans are to give you a hope and a future?  Do you really believe that He loves you the way that He says He does?  

If you answered any of the above with yes, then you need to begin to accept that that thing you are walking in the middle of right now, is of or being allowed by God.  As Ann Voskamp puts it, it's the ugly-beautiful.  It hurts and it's hard but what you are not seeing is what it is stripping away and making room for; revealing.  

I know this season seems long and seems it has over run its course.  You may have even uttered, "Haven't I grieved long enough, why can't I just move on or this be over."  I know that I myself have a bad habit of trying to repack my baggage and store it away in a closet because of the time and energy I have exhausted attempting to sort through years of my junk somewhat on my own.  

This thing of purging, it's a process.  And it is one that you can not dictate. You do not get to open the suitcase and choose what to pull out and when to throw it away.  There are things in there that you have long since buried and forgotten.  It is best to let God do the selecting or allow Him to guide you through the process.  He does have a plan, a course of action and He will not force your hand or overwhelm you with the process. 

He will help you to slowly unpack and reflect on each garment you have worn and why it was placed there instead of being tossed away.  Maybe you even thought you had tossed it but for some reason it has remained.  We hold on to so much for one reason or another.  No wonder life is hard and we struggle.  We are constantly dealing with this clutter.  

Can you imagine what it would be like for your spirit to really be free?

I have so pondered this thought and I want it!  My heart might be breaking in midst of the process but I know what is in the makings.  And I choose to trust what God is doing.   I will stand and testify, like David, Asaph and the other authors of Psalms.  I do not fully understand but (there's that word again) I will praise Him!  I will praise Him again and again and again!

What's keeping you from the process?  I know you want to be free.  

Or maybe you have stepped out and you are in the middle of it.  Come on you can do this! Or rather you've got this (actually He's got you and with Him you can do anything.).   Remember He is your prize.  And you're becoming more and more beautiful!  

And here is a high five and a hug for those of you that have gone before the rest of us and know this to be true.  Thank you for your courage and the example you have set!  I promise you have been an inspiration to someone you may never have been aware of watching you.  

Praise Him today, where ever you are!  Whether with a shout or a whisper, it really doesn't matter, either way you have blessed His heart!

Monday, September 10, 2012

It's called surrendering....

Not too long ago I found myself in a situation where life seemed to be hell bent on getting the best of me.  I sat at my computer intent on working but I was slowly collapsing under the weight of things.  My job titles are rather extensive, as I am sure are yours. 

I felt the need to take out what I was feeling on the keys that sat innocently under my fingers.  With each letter, a word formulated.  With each word, my thoughts progressed.  It is funny how sometimes my fingers move faster that my brain or maybe it's this southern drawl.  I can type faster that I can hear myself say it in my head.....

Friday, September 7, 2012


All that is dark. gray. lifeless. fading away.
Signs of  winter, oh has the season changed.
My heart grows faint.
But my eyes see beauty still.
I am reminded, that even in death, life remains.

The grass withers.
Flowers fade.
Each falls to its grave.
But there is life in this ground.

The earth never stops producing.
It lies in wait.
Considers its timing.
It looks ahead with hope.
It trusts in what will soon be unearthed.

It is expectant.
It knows the joys it will soon hold.

This is where I long to be like this earth.
Understanding my potential to produce.
Trusting of what God has planted.
Content in the waiting.
With vision for what is coming.

Life truly does begin and end with yielding.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Even in my wanderings....

There are those days that I have to say to myself, "Don't quit."

"You can not quit."

"You've come to far to give up now." 

Days that are hard and ugly and gray. 

Days that my heart just wants to give way. 

Days that I just do not understand. 


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I'm a lover.....

Sitting just above the rocks that mark the oceans floor, now that the tide has found its way back here, listening to the crash of each wave and its retreating. Is the earth moved by this constant pounding?  The moon is low and hidden behind a veil of white.  I taste of salt as I inhale.  I resist the urge to hold my breath, fearing I might lose far more than air if I exhale. I'm desperate for this thing I'm breathing.  I don't want it to pass from me.  There is a sense of drowning as this scene washes over me.  I have beheld beauty and He captivates me....

Saturday, September 1, 2012

This moment....

I'm planning for today to be a day of writing.  Lots and lots of writing.  Writing has always been a way for me to work things out or work through them.  I write for clarity, wisdom and to remember where I have been and where I am going.  I write in hopes that the Holy Spirit continue to move through me, speak to and through me while overwhelming me with His peace that brings rest. 
I smile even now as it seems I have invited Him to join me.  I marvel at this melting away, this weightlessness that comes from our exchange.  I have to pause and just sit in it for a moment.  His goodness is more than deserving of my praise.  

Maybe you can feel a little bit of this even now.  Please do join me.  No reason for the three of us to be strangers, besides He already knows your name and He's been keeping your seat warm, while waiting for this day.

I set out with a few ideas of things I would like to share but I sense that this is changing and I'm supposing that there is something else He is wanting you to hear.  

Can I ask you, Is God's presence welcome right there where you are sitting?  Is it welcome right there in that thing that sits guarded behind your ribs, beating within your chest? 

 I do hope so.   I hope it is wide open to Him and all that He has for you.  But if it's not, let me just ask that you stop for a moment and consider how you picture the love of a father and what it ought to look like.  You have all this and more in this Jesus.  And today He is calling your name, waiting to wrap His loving arms around you.  To whisper nothing but truth of all the ways in which He has loved you.  

There is nothing God wants more from you than a moment of your time and attention!  He wants you.  Cause no one else can love Him back quite like you can or do!

I want to leave you with this song, for the moment.  Don't take my word for this, listen as He speaks to you.