Thursday, September 20, 2012

The long one....

You know the answers I was searching for, frustrated and struggling cause I didn't have them.  They've found me and well I would really like to send them back to where they came from.  I don't like them.  They aren't pretty.  No bows, no glitter, no cutesy note.  No promises things are about to get easier.  Certainly no sugar coating.

But how often does the truth really come packaged like that? 

Rather it generally comes in an unsuspecting form that makes you curious so you begin peeling back the layers so to speak.  Seems harmless and you feel like, "Hey, I might be getting somewhere!", cause a few lights have started to go off in that pretty little head of yours.  

So you keep digging.  Keep listening.  Keep reading.  Then, "BAM", before you even know what hit you, you are reeling from the cold, hard truth of it all.  No quick attempts to pick yourself up off the floor.  No back peddling or turning your tail to run, because though it is hard and it hurts and your heart feels like it's going to burst another part of you wants to sit there and scream and to curse.

Once again you are at war.  You wanted the truth.  And the truth hurts.  You wanted to slam the door on it but you know truth is meant to set you free and isn't "free" what you have been desiring?  Still you're murmuring, complaining, "This is going to be work.  Haven't I almost worked myself to death just to get here?".  And the answer is a big, fat resounding "Yes".  But didn't you already know this is war?

You are at war for your mind.  At war for your heart.  At war for those God dreams you thought had died.  You are at war for a man.  At war for those children that you break wide open for each and everyday.  You are at war for that family member.  That neighbor.  That women that you are desperate to reach out to.  You are at war for each and every individual that needs to hear you and your story poured out.

So yes, it has been work.  The road has been hard and it has been long.  All of which has been preparation for this battle.  There is so much to lose but oh so much more to be gained.  You can drag your feet.  But you can not avoid this battle.

 Unless of course you are willing to stop dead in your tracks and walk away from all of your hopes.  All of your dreams.  And say to the masses, "You don't need me.  This world does not need to hear my story and I'm sorry you are going to have to continue to suffer because I refuse to surrender my life for the cause of Christ."

Can you live with those last words?

     -I dropped the girls off at school this morning, came back home (I work from here), laid down on the bed and started to cry about how hard life is right now.  Intent on wallowing in self pity because I'm so tired.  I feel so alone and I'm sick of the hurting.  Sick of the charade.  The masks we all hide behind.  The foolishness of pretending.  The fear of exposing.  These things that keep us isolated; secluded.

Hello!!!! Does anybody here me?  The truth is so many of us are all in the same boat.  Kinda like the titanic.  I hope you can swim, cause it doesn't matter how pretty or impressive it looks on the outside.  There are serious holes under the surface that are going to sink this ship.  It's just a matter of time.

But God. For minute, I thought I heard an echo.  But God..but God..but God..... He won't allow me to keep going there.  So I picked up a pen and a notebook and just began writing and this, this is what came out.

Purging.  Yes, purging.  The lies.  The mounds of lies I once succumbed too.  They all must come out.  

-Let me just say, God will rebuke you when you pick them back up again after the realization of what they are.  This is His loving way of protecting you from yourself on days like today.  It is the evidence of the deep relationship that you have with Him.  You know Him and accept His ways.  He knows you and knows you will listen and take instruction.  This that I speak of is what real intimacy looks like.  Letting Him look into me and see all the things I once thought were hidden.  The things I once wanted to hide from you.

My sin.  My shame.

Jesus came that I might be saved from all of it.  I have accepted Him.  It's time to let these things go.  They are not who or what I am.  They have shaped me but do not define me.  Only God has permission to do that.

I am signing off now....don't wipe the sweat from your brow just yet.... with one final thought....I hope you laughed just then at yourself or at thought, right?  God redeems what we are willing to release (this means letting go of).  Will you give Him your life, each and every messy and dirty and broken and hollow part of it?  The God of the bible, my heavenly father, my one and only best friend promises beauty in return.  Sounds like the deal of eternity to me.

1 comment:

  1. He really does give "beauty for ashes" and you may have those feelings again but you have learned that they are not justified and they are only feelings. His words to us is what is real and not our feelings and you are so right about Him reminding us. It becomes our choice whether we stay there or move on with Him. Good, good, good! Love you