Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Am I moving....

I have at least 5 posts sitting in drafts, waiting patiently for my attention, not including the one I began this morning after a time of prayer and worship, that I got so frustrated with I just hit the delete button.  I feel as if I am riding on an escalator.  I'm moving yet I'm not.  Everything is going by me but I'm not active in the process.  My feet seem to be stuck, besides what is the right way to ride an escalator?  Do you continue to move once you're on it or do you rest and let it carry you?  

And the word "force" comes to mind.  

This is not at all where I thought I was going.  And I now feel something breaking in me.  I know God is behind this because once again my cheeks feel the evidence of a flood that can not be dammed.  Thoughts rush my mind, hurling explanations.  But in a flash, I feel a wall, a barrier of sorts spring up.  It's the same feeling that I had this morning, the same feeling that continues to hold those other 5 posts hostage.

Something keeps messing with my connection.  I keep trying to put into words how God is revealing things to me and my mind just stops working.  My thoughts are fleeting and fingers keep pausing mid sentence.  

I'm frustrated again but me an anxiety don't get along.  It is uninvited and will not be made to feel welcome within me, Christ's home.  

I'm not going to wrestle with the enemy and give up my peace, instead I'm off to do the dishes and put my self to bed.  

I will try again tomorrow.

Why force what is already in motion? Kinda like that escalator, right?

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Truth is calling....

It's Sunday.

The Sabbath.

I stand at the kitchen sink with the morning sun warming my face, wringing my toes against the cool autumn floor that lies beneath me, taking in the degrees of temperature and attracting the playful kittens that have been let in for their morning nourishment.

Children sit, bickering, around the breakfast table.  Biscuits rise in the oven as sausage sizzles in the cast iron skillet and the aroma of fresh brewed coffee fills the air.

And I just want to escape.

I'm here in body but my spirit is longing for another place.

Oh Lord, I seek your presence in a real, tangible way.  I need to feel you today, and so my spirit sings.

Calling for you, come be with me.

 Day twenty eitht of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series) 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Your praise was intended to set you free....

I often run to the things I know have a way of reaching me.  I have learned how to cling, cling tight to the things God has provided as a means of escape from the enemy.  I don't always grab hold as soon as I ought but I know it's never to late for Him to save me.  God's mercy is ever reaching.

I laid back in the bed after the morning routine, hoping to rest my worn, fatigued body.  The things I have been turning over in my head and my heart, have withheld much needed rest from the whole of me.  It was clear to me there would be no rest for my physical body if I didn't seek refuge in God Almighty.  

Confusion, lies and uncertainty, they only have power when I surrender my authority,  when the weariness becomes to much for me and I lose my voice and it all sounds so convincing.  But the Holy Spirit speaks, your praise will give you the strength that you need to see clearly, the schemes of the enemy.  

I could have argued that I didn't have it in me, but He knows me better.  I've walked through those seasons, those dark days and even darker nights that I denied myself any comfort in a God that just wanted to hold and to keep me.  I didn't deny His existence.  I just asked that He keep His distance.  I wanted to blame Him for my nonexistence.  I mean someone had to be responsible for the shattering of my heart and I was angry because He was allowing it.  As if I had nothing to do with it.

I came out of that with a greater understanding of what it means to love even when I don't feel like loving.  To trust when I can't see the outcome.  To declare that He is Good and He has the best of intentions for me.  And to know that nothing compares to the love that He has for me.  For God takes no pleasure in our heartache.  He was grieved when sin broke the covenant that He had with man.  Don't you know He feels loss with out you (Luke 15)? 

I came to know that as long as I was breathing, there was a praise that could be found within me.  So I grabbed a hold of my cell phone, open the app for IHOPKC (International House of Prayer Kansas City) and searched there archives.  I laid the phone on my chest and laid back against Him.  I laid there and soaked as my gratitude surfaced and overwhelmed me and with my mouth I released a praise.  A praise that was directed at Him.  But His intent was that I be set free as I was reminded of the just cause for a praise to proceed from me.

He is always there to catch me.  He is always there to shield and to protect me.  He is always there to pour out an extravagant love that I can't and I won't deny.  He's made a home in my heart and I call His heart my home.  My place of refuge, comfort and security.  I belong to Him and He belongs to me (Song of Solomon 2:16).

This is the short version of the song that has consumed me.

This would be the soaking version.

The IHOPKC archive is only available on the mobile version, under prophetic worship dated Sept 15 lead by Audra Lynn, if you need some really deep soaking time.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Truth digging....

Today I'm choosing not to give in to the confusion, the uncertainty, the judgement call left with a hung jury.    I've been living between that rock and that hard place for so long but I have been digging for that well that I know lies beneath.  

Some days it feels as if I'm digging out the same dirt that I have already dug and it feels oh so pointless.  I don't know if it's me that's filling the hole back in at times or if it's God or the enemy.  

There are times that I can dig past it, times where I sit and stare at it, times it seems to much to remove and times that in faith I speak be thou removed.  As you see, there has been no consistency.  I've been moved by emotion and thus made myself weary.

There is just cause for me to be weary because if I am not firm in my stance, being moved by emotion, I'm fighting me.  My attention is diverted and I quit digging.

God is a God of peace and clarity.  Confusion is the work of the enemy.  God speaks clearly, propelling us forward.  Even in times of rest, He is still working and perfecting something within us.

1 Corinthians 14:33 For God is not a God of confusion but of peace....

Confusion gives way to manipulation and will fight to keep you from moving forward.  

If something is bogging you down, doing a number on your emotions, making you weary, there is something at work.  May God send His spirit of Truth to bring peace and clarity.  And know as you continue digging, He is doing the same with in the midst of you.

He’s carving out a place in me
That I might contain his glory

Making a bigger space in me
That I might contain his glory

Like a dry river bed
I am waiting for the latter rain

Like a dry river bed
I am waiting for the latter rain

What do I do here in the waiting?
What do I do with my unsatisfied heart?
What do I do here in the waiting?
Here in the tension of believing again and again

Cause there's a lack
There’s a gap in my soul
Between the things
That I believe and I know

So holy spirit
You who fill all and all
Come and fill me
Holy Spirit, come and hold me together

So I fall into grace again
So I fall into grace again
So I fall into grace again
Like a child I am
Like a child I am

You said there would be joy in the laying down
You said there would be joy in the letting go
You said there would be joy in the giving of my life
And now I see

Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes

Come and rush over me
Come and rush over me
Come and rush over me
Let the river flow

I bow down
I get low
I open up my heart to receive your love

I gotta get to the wells of joy
I have to dig for the wells of joy
I gotta get to the wells of joy
I gotta get lower, lower

Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes

I gotta get to the wells of joy
I have to dig for the wells of joy
I gotta get to the wells of joy
I gotta get lower, lower

Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes

Day twenty two - twenty four of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series)


Monday, October 22, 2012

Reason enough just to be....

So........I've been about ready to give up on this project and just let things be.  With life and its daily grind and all the fun stuff that comes up to try and turn my world upside down or at least make it more messy and that little voice that says you are three days behind and you will never catch up, you don't stand a chance.....and seriously I could go on and on forever about all that whispers its trifle, sinister comments, casting its two cents whether or not their invited.   

But I am reminded that I did not choose this topic.  

This topic chose me.  

And I did not start this as another task to complete.  I started this as a means to see my way through the dark and perhaps to see His light in me. 

I am realizing more and more that every second is a choice between victory and defeat.  Every moment can be redeemed.  And grace is a key to redeeming victory.  

I have the power to choose and can turn things around in any given moment by accepting God's grace instead of hanging my head in my chosen defeat.

I have been reflecting, this evening, in the quiet of sleeping children and the following words came to me and have provoked me to these lines of thought.

Truth is not a dispute.  It can stand on its own and needs no explanation from man.  Truth is a statement.  It speaks for itself.  Truth came to the earth in the form of Jesus.  And it is known by the fruits of the spirit, the very nature of Him.  There is nothing showy or demanding about it.  It doesn't say, "here, look at me".  It says, "I am because He is and that is reason enough just to be".

And with this my eyes are heavy and more truth contemplating will have to wait for tomorrow.

 Day twenty one of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series)  

Truth for today....

I was browsing through my blog roll (all the blogs that I'm following) this morning and God is still working on me and this thing of grace.

This title was staring me in the face,  "How do you know when you’ve done enough?".

We sit around a table at a local restaurant. My friends and I are sharing a dessert sampler {yum!}. The topic of conversation is guilt–but it’s not because of the sugar this time.
Nope, we’re talking about the guilt we feel in our everyday lives. The guilt it seems all women feel at one time or another.
Mine comes in a particular form, with a flavor as distinct as the slice of pie staring up at me from my plate. I tend to feel like what I do is never enough. I tell myself, “I’ll rest when it’s all done.” But it’s never all done.

You can click here to finish reading what Holley Gerth, of (in)courage, had to say about this thing of grace.  Apparently I'm not the only one having trouble getting this.

 Day twenty of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series)

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Truth in lies....a continuation.

 A continuation from day 18 of 31 days of reflecting on truth.

Living with unmet needs has left scars because the wounds were so deep.  Even now my mind does not want to go there because the memories are so draining.  This place hurts.  And this hurting makes me angry.  Then the anger subsides and I'm left weeping.  I can accept a lot of things but that doesn't make it any less painful.

I know God has a way of using things and He has.  For I have learned what it is to persevere, to trust Him and to truly believe that He is faithful.

My mistake was believing that because so many needs had been left unmet, I must not truly need anything but God.  This was a way of coping.  If I didn't truly need them then I could block them out and become numb to them.  And I had been doing this for a period of years only it doesn't work so well.  You can't pick and choose when to feel and not feel.  What to feel and not feel.  It is either all or nothing.  And nothing is a dangerous place, because it destroys all connections to or with anything.

I chose to restore feeling because I needed to feel God in order to experience and continue a relationship with Him, not just to go through the motions out of routine or a condemned spirit.  This is the difference between a head knowledge of God and a heart knowledge.  I needed to feel to connect with my children in order to take better care of them.  I needed to feel if I was going to continue to pursue a relationship with my husband.  I needed to feel in order to be mindful of other people and identify with their needs.  

And this brings me full circle. I have to stop denying that I too have needs.  And that that is not a bad thing.  Everyone has need of something.  I need Him daily.  I need Him to put an end to my striving.  I need Him to whisper it's okay that I'm not living up to my expectations of myself because He wants me to live out of who He is in me.  God, I've got to quit with all this trying and just be.

The truth in lies is this, I am needy.  But being needy is a part of humanity.  It's not a sign of weakness.  It's a sign we were meant to be connected.  Connected to God and those He desires to have a place in our lives.  Our failure to realize and admit this is often times what prevents our deepest needs from being met. 

I need to make room for grace and make her feel invited because she has a way of setting me at ease.

 Day nineteen of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series) 


Truth in lies....

There is very little quiet in my life right now.  When you work from home, there is no such thing as leaving it at the office.  Everything that is still undone or piling up, sits at the fore front of my mind and presses hard against my temples.  The laundry still sitting in the washing machine a day old, weighs in with the sink full of dishes.  Them and their mockery.  Report cards come home with bright, capable children only they tell a slightly different story.  And there's more, so, so much more.

I'm not faring any of this well. 

I'm much to hard on myself and it makes me miserable.  

There is so much talk of grace these days and I get it.  Yet there is none for me.  I can't seem to convince myself that I too deserve it.  No, deserve is not the right word.  Or maybe that's what is wrong with my thinking.  It's not a matter of deserve.  It is a gift that God gives.  It operates as such, that when I am not enough, he is more than enough for me.  He covers my shortcomings......God please let this sink in.

And with this thought, I crumble.  Me with all my trying.  I can try and try and give all that I've got and it will never be enough because it was never meant to be.  We were not created to be self sufficient and this is agony.  This is a war that lives inside of me, not knowing how to balance being needy.  For most of my lifetime, needy, has been an ugly word.  One that would like to destroy me.  For me to utter the words "I need" to anyone other than God, is beyond me.  Correction, has been beyond me.

Interruptions are calling even now......but I shall return shortly for there is more purging of this truth in lies..... 


Thursday, October 18, 2012

Just as you are....

For those days that you need to be reminded.

You, with your sharp tongue and your frustrations.
You, with your doubt and niche for despair.
You, with your wounded heart and trust issues.
You, with your high expectations and list of disappointments.
You, with your mind whose thoughts betray who you really are.
You, with your dreams that seem to have been crushed by the enemy's schemes.
You, with your unforgiveness and lack of grace for your self.

There is a place to run to, where yes, you certainly belong.
Where YOU ARE LOVED, just as YOU ARE.

His thoughts define you, He is inside you and He is your reality.
And if you can't run, just say His name and He will come to you.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

His Word will find you.......

I spend to much time on the computer but it does allow me to work from home.  I spend to much time in my head but most of that is good and makes me who I am.  I am trying to stay on top of this 31 day thing and so far I have written every day just haven't hit publish but tonight I don't think I want to do anything.  Look at this screen, type, think, write or hit publish.  So I thought a few random thoughts would be quick, painless and get this over with, so here goes nothing.

If I have a change of heart and find myself back in front of this screen late tonight, I won't complain.  For now.  It will put me ahead of this thing.  Just don't ask me that when I have to get myself up and three little girls also, or maybe you can ask me just don't ask them.  lol

........This is funny.   Before I started on my random thoughts, something came to me.  The words I wrote yesterday, about how God doesn't look away, brought to surface the words "there is no turning".  And this led me to His word.  I had to laugh at what I found.

James 1:17

17Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow (other translations say there is no shadow of turning).   18In the exercise of His will He brought us forth by the word of truth, so that we would be a kind of first fruits among His creatures.    19This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;    20for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.     21Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls.    22But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.     23For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror;     24for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was.   25But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.      26If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless.    27Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world. 

And of course, I'm crying now.  Does God undo you with His Word?  He does me.  I hear things and I write things and then He brings confirmation like this.  He's alive.  His Word is alive.  Living, breathing in me.  And it is speaking.  Always speaking. Can't you tell, this thrills me just a little? 

Is it living and breathing in you?  Always speaking too?

Monday, October 15, 2012

Always truth listening.....

Truth can be found many places and for me it is often revealed to me in music.  I don't listen simply for enjoyment.  I listen for how something moves me, how it personifies my feelings or grabs my attention.  I came across a song today that was not familiar in word but was in spirit.  It had a presence and it spoke in a language that so intrigues me.  It was weighty and holy and its imagery was magnificent however simple it might seem.  The arrangement, the human spirit calling out to deep, the violin solo in the end, it called out to me and I closed my eyes, listened and began typing.....

I looked for a video for the song but one was not to be found and so I typed out the lyrics below and there is a link to the song if you don't have access to one of the numerous internet radio sites (I found it on Spotify).

You dance in the paintings of the blind.
You dwell in the melodies of the mute
You reveal in the suffering of the sick
You rejoice in the fellowship of the poor

Won't you show us how to love
Show us how to love
Show us how to love
To love like you love

Your kingdom come , your will be done
Your kingdom come, your will be done
Your kingdom come, your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven

In me as it is in heaven, in me as it is in heaven

 Nic and Rachael Billman: Shores Reprise on the album The least of these.

 ...........These are the words I typed with closed eyes, listening.

I love the way You see. 
Never closing your eyes; never ignoring.
I love the way You see. 
So  forgiving, never despising.

Doesn't your heart hurt from all that You see, all this ugly, lost and rejected? 
So many pieces, falling, falling down. 
Shattering with an alarming sound.
Yet, You don't look away.

But in the pieces, in the pieces of a broken humanity, you speak of beauty like truth. 
Your eyes turn not for there is so much longing. 
Longing for us, to see, see this beauty of which you speak.

Imperfection is a word that does not exist in your eyes, for all of mankind has been perfected in You.

We are all your handiwork, your creation with our messed up ways of thinking lack is a curse and inability is mockery. 

We curse what we do not understand and we break further still. 

Oh God, I want to break for you not for my ignorance. 
I want to be dressed in your wisdom and truth.  I want to see; see the way I look like you.
All beauty.  All truth.

We see injustice, needing and suffering and we respond with indifference or a prayer of how the world needs God Almighty or something

But the answers lie in what reflects in your eyes.

Me, with a humbled and a contrite spirit offered up, an offering.
Me, poured out for the ugly, lost and rejected.
Me, reflecting; Reflecting you,

What did you hear when you read this?  What did it speak to you?  Oh and a little FYI, there is no wrong answer.  Revelation is unique to you.  God doesn't sound exactly the same to me as He does to you, I'm certain.  There is unity in God's message but we travel different routes to arrive at the bases of the same conclusion.  And it's okay if it didn't speak anything to you because for a moment you were open to listening.  

 Day fifteen of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series)

Hidden truth is worth seeking......conclusion

A continuation of day 13 of 31 days of reflecting on truth

Questions aren't meant to bring confusion.  They are indicators that there is an even greater truth that needs your seeking.  Clarity comes from the pressing in.  Hearing the voice of the Spirit.   Being brave to seek it and the hidden out.  We are quick to draw our own conclusions but it takes a surrendered heart to desire more than we have concluded.  Their is strength that is amplified in this process.  Each response is shaping you.  It is writing truth in the logs of your own personal history.  It's a record keeping of how you have grown by your own leaps an bounds as you trusted far beyond the eye could see.

I know where these words are coming from because I know they are far beyond me.  I often look back through my history and am reminded of the pain, disappointment, sorrow, rejection, low self esteem, lack of acceptance, going unseen, insecurity, being so needy, knowing there is a handful of dreams that I'm still seeking and it tugs at me but there is truth, real truth, greater truth surfacing. 

God had His hand on me.  He kept me by the bounds of His love for me.  He allowed me to be exposed to these things but He perfected a faith and a trust that no man could ever take from me.  Oh wow, that line, it brought floods to my eyes and every muscle with in me is contracting.

Hidden truth is worth seeking because it's these truths that are the very heart and the beauty of you.

God help this to set in.  I want to see what You see.  Remove my unbelief.  There is always a flip side to what I see in the natural.  There is a greater scheme of things.  There is a reason, a purpose for everything.

Looking back, is there clarity?  Can you see the flip side of things?  Is there something within you that you've failed to see or give yourself  or God credit for?  I know God worked it in you but it was because of your choosing or allowing.   It is all a part of the process that is refining the beauty of you.

Day fourteen of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series)

Hidden truth is worth seeking.......twenty

A continuation of day 12 of 31 days of reflecting on truth.

Girl twenty.......It is impossible to hang on to what is comfortable and trust God.  She had selfishly wanted to hang on to him, to ignore the signs that he wasn't the one.  Her soul had been tied to a tangible solution to all the insecurities in her head.  She had idolized him, his words and his actions.  These things proved to be empty.  He had no idea how to truly love her because he did not have the same understanding of God's love that she was experiencing.  She drew strength from the truth that was being revealed.
      The day came that this could no longer be drug out any further.  He might have been okay with the games he was playing but she had had enough.  She gave him an ultimatum and followed that up with telling him if he backed out of her driveway right then don't ever bother to pull back into it ever again.  He never did.
     And so she continued to search deep.  She fought the lies of rejection again, the voices that whispered she just wasn't enough or he would have really loved her.  During this time, the word of the Lord, came forth.  

......I saw where the Spirit of God was saying daughter, he says you stood in a place of a lot of sacrifices saith God.  And the Lord says daughter, he says even upon your bed at night, he says surly your pillow has known great tears.  And the Lord says daughter, he says, there's been loneliness with in the midst of you.  The Lord says daughter, he says there was even a period of years where you cried out for friendships.  But the Spirit of God says daughter, he says in the midst of that place, he says I didn't keep them from you.  But the Lord says daughter, I kept you.  For the Lord says daughter, he says surely the enemy wanted to make you think that you were an odd one.  But the Lord says daughter I made you a unique one saith God.  And the Lord says daughter, He says I will cause you to even know the things that I have saved saith God, are precious.  The things that I have preserved saith God are glorious.  Even to the things of me...........

God was speaking.  He knew.  He saw.  It mattered.  It all mattered to Him.  And God upheld her and kept her.  She sought what was hidden and He led her to the truth of Him.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Hidden truth is worth seeking.....nineteen

A continuation of day 11 of 31 days of reflecting on truth.

Girl nineteen.....She often had to remind herself to just breathe or find things to divert her attention, counting days made for much anxiety and merely would not due for a girl that was trusting.
  But as time began to set in so did a hint of uncertainty; a certain uneasiness.  They wrote and they talked but all she felt was the distance.  It was a strange feeling that she could not put her finger on.

      She had determined that the year would be one of prayer and supplication.  She knew what her heart desired but wondered about God's plan.  She sought to go deeper.  She wanted to know what He had to say about love, marriage, her life and how she was to live it.  She feared that she had made assumptions, invested beyond a feasible return.  She wondered at times what provoked this line of thought.  She hoped and prayed she hadn't spent time chasing desires that God was not in.  She had put all of her heart and her soul into this.
     It wasn't long before she noticed the lines drawn through items on her check list that made for allowances to hold on to him.  She had reasoned with these things.  He was the man of her dreams and they weren't that important.  Besides this was a God thing, she said not sounding so convincing that time.   Why would she feel so at home with his family, getting further intangled in all of them.
     But this feeling just wouldn't go away.  She wanted God's absolute, very best for her life and she wanted that for him also.  She struggled with the words to tell him this, to make him understand that she loved him but that God needed to be at the center of them.  At first he was accepting of this questioning because for him there was no doubt.  But as time went by he listen to voices that questioned her motives and fear soon became the only voice he could hear.  He argued about how ridiculous she had become and how inconsiderate she was being, one day and the next, why was it not enough to know that he loved her.
     This became her first real taste of war.  A battle of her feelings, her desires and what it meant to be obedient and follow the Lord.  She hoped with everything within her that in choosing to follow His leading, the path would lead her back to himAnd so she let go, committed it to God and looked for strength to stand as she removed his precious ring from her hand.  
   During this time, his mother had a relapse with cancer and wasn't fighting it so well.  He came home to visit and sought hard to pursued her.  A few months later, she sat on the front row, by his side at his mother's funeral, trying not to blur the lines or the boundaries she had fought so hard to put into place.  Why, why did this have to be so hard.  Why couldn't her love for him be enough to make a way for their future.  
     And so he left once again but she knew he would be back for good, before long and she would have to continued to fight this because there was still so much confusion.......

Girl twenty......to be continued.

Day twelve of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series) 

Friday, October 12, 2012

Hidden truth is worth seeking......eighteen part B

A continuation from day 10 of 31 days of reflecting on truth.

 The world now had an even greater definition It had worn grooves in the soles of her feet, eliminated an inch or two from her frame, left samples of its grimy self on every inch of her body and clothing.  It exposed her eyes to the hard and pitiful.  It bathed her soul in the truth of humanity.  The truth that everyone is in need of something.
     She was more committed now to hearing the Holy Spirit and seeking his direction.  She had some choices to make and she wanted to make them with wisdom.  An education or his proposal.  She made a good argument not to rush things, that an education would pay off in the end.  
    She settled into a routine, thanked God for His blessing and began to apply all of the new confidences she found in Him.  She was in awe of the depth of their relationship and how she could trust Him in all things.  She learned to commit even the smallest of things unto Him and He in turn remove the struggle.  If only she had learned this in high school, but better late than never she thought.
    A few months passed and in came his orders.  He was being transferred to Georgia, just a few hours from home.  Was God really answering all of her dreams.  A husband, a home of her own and an education.  What was to stop a wedding now, she questioned.  The phone rang and he had his orders in hand.  It would only be a matter of weeks.  She was beside herself with joy and would be counting the days for she could count on one hand the number of times she had seen him in the last year and a half.
     Less than an hour later, the phone rang again.  They had changed their mind and his final orders.  He would spend the next year in Korea.  
     This was a blow that hit her hard.  She pleaded, Lord how could this be.  Korea for a year without any leave.  This was devastation.  She had been strong, made wise decisions but how was she going to get through this she thought.
     She resolved, God had a reason.  This was an opportunity for God to move in his life and draw him closer to Him.  Yes, this is how she would see it.  So the day came that she packed his bags as she stashed little hand written pieces of herself into all of his pockets, kissed him and promised to hold onto all of their dreams, even though she felt as if she was letting hers go as she said goodbye.

Girl nineteen......to be continued.

Day eleven of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series)    

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Hidden truth is worth seeking.....eighteen

A continuation from day 9 of 31 days of reflecting on truth.

Girl eighteen......She dared to dream.  She fought thru the loneliness of a long distance relationship and said yes once again, this time to a deep calling.  Her sights were set on Africa and God was providing.  She made her way to Miami with expectancy.  Now her dream was too finding wings.  
     She had no words for the things that invaded her heart.  She thought how could she ever leave this place without leaving all of it.  She would never be the same because of the way these people touched her with their love and kindness, their smiles thru pain and hardship, their thankfulness, gratitude out measured their education, their vocabulary, the amount of food on their plates at any given serving, the need for and the lack of electricity and running water.  Their focus was never on their needs but rather on how they might serve you.  
     She was humbled and touched and moved oh so very much.  This Jesus and these people, they were doing the ministering, the teaching and she had so much to learn from them.
     The time came and she must go home and questioned what was she going back to.......

Day ten of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series)

Hidden truth is worth seeking....seventeen

A continuation from day 8 of 31 days of reflecting on truth.

Girl seventeen.....She said yes and accepted the ring he offered her.  He was sweet.  He listen to her, even when she talked about Jesus.  He said he loved her and wanted no one else but her by his side.
     He had dreams, lots of them, and plans to go with them of course after his time in the military.  He had it all figured out and this was exactly what she thought she needed.  It appealed to the girl that was lost with no real direction for the future.  It just had to be. 
     She remembered seeing him off and how she collapsed into her daddy's lap and cried like a baby.  This had to be love, this feeling of connection and finally belonging.  She quickly became a part of his family and they, a part of her heart.  She wrote and she prayed and she prayed and she wrote and in a sense she was finding her wings.  The desire to consider and serve someone else, the act of loving began to awaken her heart to some of her dreams that no longer felt so out of reach.

Girl eighteen......to be continued.

Day nine of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Hidden truth is worth seeking....

Girl sixteen.......loneliness chased her until she retreated to a room where she found comfort, with its white walls and lavender trim, a creamy white daybed placed intentionally in front of a wide picture window.  The moon and the stars were her friend along with the fiery pink azaleas that grew just outside that window.  The fragrance of Georgia pines dripping with dew in the morning, floated softly in threw the crack she left open the nights before.
     Thoughts, feelings were kept locked up inside until she was safe within those four walls, where Jesus waited for her to listen to it all.  It was there that she learned how to sit at His feet and empty herself out.  She didn't really want to die, she just wanted things to be different.  She didn't want to be the outsider looking in anymore.  
     There was nothing special about her, nothing she was really good at, nothing to make her stand out and fit in, so she thought.  She had no dreams, no plans for the future that were within her reach, she believed.  She loved God.  She loved people.  Just one look at her room or the sound of her stereo would easily clue you into this.  She would continue loving God and finding ways to serve His people and would just see where that got her.

Girl seventeen......to be continued. 

Day eight of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series)

Monday, October 8, 2012

Swallow hard or hardly swallow.....

Manipulator's of Truth: taking God's word out of context, omitting or improvising in part.

This indicates a lack of trust in God's word.  His truths.

Can you say, "Ouch"?

It is time we fall on our face and repent.

Now listen.  Listen to the Holy Spirit speaking.

Block all other voices out.  

The voice of reasoning.  The voice of justification.  The voice of offense.  The voice of false humility.  The voice of defense.  The voice of pride.  

All manipulators of truth, render them silent.

Your heavenly Father is speaking.

There is no condemnation here.

This truth is revealed to impart liberty, to make you no longer a slave to these things, to break word curses you have brought or spoken over yourself and your family.

.....these are the words I wrote during service today.  Our message was entitled "World at War".  Sounded very familiar to what I have written here recently.

God has been showing me, in subtle ways or rather His graceful way, what voice I am guilty of listening to.  I have no excuse and I know it is true for it has been surfacing in the form of a question in my mind, which is obviously the Holy Spirits provoking.  Prior to this revelation I could claim ignorance but now I must silence this voice and seek God's truth to replace it.

I grew up with a knowledge that God loved me, with some understanding that I was of value to Him.  Somewhere along the way this became an issue of conflict.  If God loved me and valued me then why didn't others treat me the same way.  

This birthed insecurity.  It opened the door and lies found there way in.  Some how what others didn't say or didn't do became more significant than the Truth.  It blinded me, created in me a false humility and feed the ugly spirit of offense.  All of which kept me in a constant struggle for my true identity.

I never questioned God's love for me or that He valued me.  But I was blind to my self condemnation.  The false humility that devalued God's creation.  This voice that spoke of suicide as a teenager.  The same voice that whispered abandonment and that my small family would be better off without me.  The cycle of oppression, depression and apathy.  

Life hurts and rejection is real but it is my choice what I choose to feel.

Our feelings are breeding grounds for the lies and the schemes of the enemy.  And buying in is a sin against God and the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.

That statement is Truth not condemnation.  I have no judgement for you.  For I still battle these thoughts and am having to learn how to bring them under submission to what God has spoken over me and declared truth.  

I appreciate His gentle rebuke that keeps me from falling back into those habits that once where almost first nature to me.  THIS IS THE WAY OF DECEIT.  It takes on the form of truth, identifies and recognizes all that would justify, plants seeds of offense to keep you blind and locked in.  You become a prisoner of your own making and you can't even see it.  No, not until you are ready to come clean and deal with  it.

I prayed a prayer about five years ago, God shake everything that can be shaken, remove all that is not of you.  I want to position myself for more of You.  

God took me at my word and has been removing and stripping, causing my eyes to see.  We can only cry victim for so long before revelation comes and we my choose responsibility or to walk in defiance.

We must remember that conviction is our friend and we are to be lovers of the truth.

 The coming of the lawless one is according to the working of Satan, with all power, signs, and lying wonders, and with all unrighteous deception among those who perish, because they did not receive the love of the truth, that they might be saved. And for this reason God will send them strong delusion, that they should believe the lie, that they all may be condemned who did not believe the truth but had pleasure in unrighteousness. (2 Thessalonians 2:9–12—NKJV)