Saturday, October 20, 2012

Truth in lies....

There is very little quiet in my life right now.  When you work from home, there is no such thing as leaving it at the office.  Everything that is still undone or piling up, sits at the fore front of my mind and presses hard against my temples.  The laundry still sitting in the washing machine a day old, weighs in with the sink full of dishes.  Them and their mockery.  Report cards come home with bright, capable children only they tell a slightly different story.  And there's more, so, so much more.

I'm not faring any of this well. 

I'm much to hard on myself and it makes me miserable.  

There is so much talk of grace these days and I get it.  Yet there is none for me.  I can't seem to convince myself that I too deserve it.  No, deserve is not the right word.  Or maybe that's what is wrong with my thinking.  It's not a matter of deserve.  It is a gift that God gives.  It operates as such, that when I am not enough, he is more than enough for me.  He covers my shortcomings......God please let this sink in.

And with this thought, I crumble.  Me with all my trying.  I can try and try and give all that I've got and it will never be enough because it was never meant to be.  We were not created to be self sufficient and this is agony.  This is a war that lives inside of me, not knowing how to balance being needy.  For most of my lifetime, needy, has been an ugly word.  One that would like to destroy me.  For me to utter the words "I need" to anyone other than God, is beyond me.  Correction, has been beyond me.

Interruptions are calling even now......but I shall return shortly for there is more purging of this truth in lies..... 


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