Wednesday, December 12, 2012

It is never to late to start....

That feeling of I'm tired and I really don't want to do this morning, as I swung my feet from the layers of bedding and placed them on the cold floor, tried to overwhelm me and hold me from moving forward.  As the morning routine began, the evidence that I wasn't the only one feeling this morning dread, tracked its way from one end of the house to the other and followed us out the front door, leaving a little brown eyed girl in tears as she scurried her way past the car door and on to her classroom.  

At which point, I should have whispered, Lord give us new strength for today, since I was to busy hurrying towards a deadline that I failed to even consider it earlier before.  But I failed again and just kept going.  I have been fight with this feeling all morning, making myself more miserable as I breathe in unthankfulness and breathe out irritation and the lousy cycle doesn't end.

But I looked up from where I'm seated, out to the window and then further to its right.  There, sits a bookshelf of things dear to my heart and sitting at the top, is the dearest of them all.  A nativity.  Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus in her arms.  Only He isn't.  He is missing from her arms.  And the weight of this strikes me at once and I look at her and I think of me.  Her arms stretched out and cradled with longing for what they were meant to hold and my heart breaks at those very words and the tears, they come rolling down.

Why do I not surrender each day, with arms held out, cradled for what they were meant to hold?  

Mary I know your longing.  I know the emptiness in need of filling.  The void that can be felt to my core.  I know I need this Jesus, with the same sense your body labored, knowing He must to be brought forth.   

God once again, you know me and you know just what I need.  Thank you for the beauty you directed and slowed my eyes to see.  Thank you for the way that You never stop loving, the way you are continually extending Your grace and the way You teach me the power of my praise.

Are you missing Him?  Is there a place hollowed out in your center, molded, shaped just for Him?  Or maybe you feel the void and you just didn't know it is He that can fill it, He that that place was created for.
It is my prayer that we both find Him over and over again and learn to keep Him in that place that has been hallowed and carved out just for Him.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

about laci....

God is speaking and God is working and there is something that He has kept me up till 2:30 in the morning, writing for you.  Another step in this journey and a part of my story that is so uniquely me and so unequivocally Him.  

One of these days I'm going to figure out how to stay lost in His love, my dear friend.

the above is a link to that story...are you a little bit curious to read?

A Child Like Faith

Saturday, December 8, 2012

It wasn't a dream....

Dreamily, I awoke.  You know that place of awake, eyes not yet opened, aware you're no longer sleeping or dreaming but still feeling the awe of what you had been dreaming.  The awe of His peace and His presence awoke me, the feeling of all snuggled and safe on a cold, dark winter's dawning.

Like past memories of being at my Granny's, sleeping in the back of the house where the heat stretched thin and rarely found its way in, however Granny knew the trick for this, layering quilt after quilt over your small little frame, tucking you tightly into the old iron bed.  My body would give into the warmth and accept the constricting layers and endeavor into true rest, for there would be no tossing and turning, might as well just let go and give into real rest.

That's it.  I wasn't dreaming at all.  

It was rest, real rest that settled over me as I had slept.  

The kind of rest that settles deep into your soul.  The rest that can only be found and only be given by Him.  

The rest I have sought but so foolishly hindered with my thoughts, stresses and cares.  

The rest that He has so freely offered that life is forever trying to alter and wipe it's very existence from our minds.

And with all certainty I can say it does exist, it can be found and furthermore, it can be yours today!

What better gift to give yourself after all it was for you that it was given!

I know this season may seem like the hardest time to receive it, with the to do lists and list of stresses that we have created, but just think what it would be like to accomplish those things and yet still find your self at rest. 
I know the lists and the stresses.  I haven't yet begun decorating, which I am very passionate about.  I have yet to start shopping for my three children and our Christmas plans haven't really been laid out.
The thoughts of this season have hung heavy and burdensome and truthfully there have been moments that I just wanted to collapse.  Add to that the death of not one but both of my grandparents, that were living stones, examples of how Christ is the head of the home, Christmas's will never be the same without them.  Family all spread out when my heart longs to be close and all together.  Relationships battered, still questions unanswered and futures unknown.

And yet it the midst of all of this, I have found true rest or it has found me.  God, you give the most perfect and most beautiful of gifts!

The song below has taken on new meaning for me this Christmas. 

 May it too, finds it's way deep into your mind and your heart.  Much love, and light and joy to you and to yours as we celebrate the gifts that have come in the form of our Lord and Saviour!  

God rest ye merry, gentlemen,
Let nothing you dismay,
Remember Christ our Saviour
Was born upon this day;
To save us all from Satan's power
When we were gone astray.

O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy!

From God our heavenly Father
This blessed angel came;
And unto certain shepherds
Brought tidings of the same;
How that in Bethlehem was born
The Son of God by name.

O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy!

O, star of wonder, star of night,
Star with royal beauty bright,
Westward leading, still proceeding,
Guide us to thy perfect light.

Born a king on Bethlehem's plain;
Gold I bring to crown Him again;
King forever, ceasing never,
Over us all to reign.

O, star of wonder, star of night,
Star with royal beauty bright,
Westward leading, still proceeding,
Guide us to thy perfect light.

Glorious now behold Him arise,
King and God and sacrifice,
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Worshipping God most high.

O, star of wonder, star of night,
Star with royal beauty bright,
Westward leading, still proceeding,
Guide us to thy perfect light.

God rest ye merry, gentlemen, let nothing you dismay
God rest ye merry, gentlemen, let nothing you dismay
God rest ye merry, gentlemen, let nothing you dismay

Blessings to you all!

Friday, December 7, 2012

Why live less....

I talk to myself often.   And I was just sitting here talking to myself once again.  Frustrated that I haven't been writing and that all I seem to be doing these days is mumbling to myself.

So, I said to myself, literally, just start writing any thing that comes out or start writing your mumblings down.  Just as soon as I began, my train of thought or ramblings stopped.

Now, this is really frustrating.   Me not to be able to talk to myself, mumble and ramble on and on, may call for some serious help.

It's alright.

You can laugh at me because I often want to laugh at myself.  Only laughing doesn't come easy and neither have the tears this last week or so.

Sporatic and jumbled. And this spinning round and around leaves no time to stop and be still or let it all out, I tell myself.

Isn't this the way of grieving?  This flip flop of feeling to unfeeling and thoughts of having to keep moving only to find yourself stalled out.

But what happens when its life that you're grieving and not the loss of it, rather the living?

The way this world serves up abuse and hate and has a love affair with strife.

I just can't shake this heaviness, all the injustice and the ways that have been accepted as just being life. My heart hurts for those suffering and inflicted.  It aches for the way that evil preys, binds, tears down and takes life.

Especially knowing it wasn't the life that He had planned.  Knowing that He sent to us a Savior, a precious child, born in a manger.  "The" Light of the World.  Emmanuel- God with us.

I long for a life of abundance.  Abundantly full of Him.  And I long for this life for every man, woman and child, to know what it is to be loved and known and cared for by Him.

I will rejoice this season, but most of all I want to remember why He came.

He came to demonstrate 

how man being full, 


and overflowing of God, 

can live loved 

and live love

and love to love 

his God and his fellow man.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Seeing perspective....

I have been struggling with posting the things that I have been writing lately.  

They are dark and they are hard and I make little attempt at being encouraging and I don't know of any good that can come from them.  

And yet I know there isn't anything that God can't work through.   I know this is but a season and God will faithfully bring me through it.

My rope has been fully extended to its end and the only way I am able to face each day is with the reminder that Jesus walks this way with me.  I find my self in the deep of it and He whispers wisdom always bearing my escape.  

I know it will sound crazy but I need to feel this.  I need to see, really see, what I say I believe.  I need to see all the ways that He has kept me.  All the ways He has delivered me.  How He has come to my rescue and how He has never left nor forsaken me.

I need to see once again that I can trust Him in all things, that no matter what happens to me, no matter the lies or the schemes or the things that beat me down, tear at me, despised and have deceived me, worked to manipulate and control me, and set to destroy me, these things may have their sting but that's all they have.  

The blood of Jesus.  The love of God.  The gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit.  These. things.  They have redeemed me. 

And I want this perspective.  I want to see and know how He has and is still working in me.  

That place He is carving out so that I might contain His glory.  He empties me out so that He can refill me.  Death to new life and an unending supply of His love and mercy.

I am not the one that knows best....

The things we bury deep, you and me.  Forgotten but never that far from the surface.

 Flashes, times past, old wounds, ugly scars, rotten flesh that I'd just as soon cut out than administer any form of processed healing.  These are the things I feel and I see in the dark.

Why must I walk this road?  Why must I revisit and relive these stories of a dead and blood soaked past?

I sound harsh and a part of me wants to rescue time and interject,  "Certainly, it wasn't that bad."  But how can having your beating heart ripped from your chest be looked upon with a rosy shade of optimism?  Our sufferings are all relevant and could not feel more real when the affect the core of who we are.

Then I hear it.  It's there.  Beating wildly in my ears.  And I hear You.  "I didn't leave you then and I'm here now holding on to you."

I need to find comfort in those words but I can't.  If I keep holding your hand, you'll heal this in me but not without facing fleshly demands of justice for me and that of the anger bound by a choke chain, kept under submission, that would just love gnawing on flesh if released from its current choke position.

What is to stop this anger from consuming me as we walk through this healing? Whether it be holy, righteous anger from injustice served, there is a flesh battle I have no desire to fight for this healing.  I don't want to fight against these demons that proclaim the injustice served me would do these offenders,  all justly.

I know the enemy and who's responsible for things done to me, are two different things.  I cast no lots for suffering but I'm no fool to the ways sin blankets flesh like a caring companion.    How can you be sure bitterness won't become me, that I won't get stuck and buried in the process because this already feels so weighty.

And I hear You again, "You will have to trust Me."

But God, how could any good come from this?  This revisiting and reliving of the past.

And words like unpacking and process connect with redeeming and freeing and it is all beyond my understanding, my thinking.  I can't live with feeling nothing but how do I feel it all without collapsing from the weight and all that is straining.

Remind me that you are a God of love, a God of grace and a God of mercy once again.

(I finished the above sentence and the song below was the next random selection from my playlist.  Some folks would call that a coincidence.  I'm not one of them.)

Let’s survive this together
We’ve survived so much together already
But I want to live through this with you

This is why I’m alive
Its moments like this I want together with you
Let’s just take tonight and breathe again

You feel pain tonight
You won't always feel this way
You feel plain tonight
And it's going to be okay
It’s going to be okay

Let’s survive this together
We’ve survived so much together already
But I want to live through this with you

Why yes, I do fall....


noun \ˈtər-ˌmȯi(-ə)l\

Definition of TURMOIL

: a state or condition of extreme confusion, agitation, or commotion

There are tell tale signs but I'm to busy being moved by them, controlled by them, reacting to them to see them for what they really are.  The ache that runs the back of my head, the tension entangling the muscles of my neck and stretching the length of my spine, the fluctuation of my voice, the nerves rubbed raw, the mind that refuses to focus and see through the lingering fog, all  characteristics of something deep seeded.  

Instead I stupidly question, What's wrong with me?   Why am I falling apart?

There are things that weigh heavy and overwhelm my soul.  I try hard to block them out.  I try to keep to a routine but these things they just keep pressing me.  And I, I am always reacting.  My mouth, my mind, my body.  Reacting.  

And where does reacting get me?  It takes me back to that cliff that I once stood on, leaning a little to far, peering over.  That cliff that God clearly told me I was playing to close to the edge.  That cliff that leads to a point of no return and ends with an ugly, if not fatal, crashing.

In this world that we live in, everyone is susceptible to turmoil because no one is immune to sin and the condition that sin ushered in. 

We walk so blindly, not just tripping into it.  We question positive more than we do negative because the negative meets our expectations and yet we're still disappointed with it all.

Only God can break this fall.

Originally written  Monday,  October 29.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Stumbling across words....

in the dark. in the despair. you will find Me there. you will surrender your heart. let go of all of your hopes and your dreams. push past memories. lay aside grievances. shuck the weight of your self inflicted hate. take steps toward your predestined fate. do you feel the lightness of the load?  do you sense the direction leading you home? I remember that look in your eyes. that wide eyed wonder for all things created. you tasted of my goodness. now taste of it again.

I just stumbled across these words above.  An entry sitting at the top of my un-posted drafts.  And quite honestly, I don't remember drafting them. Nevertheless, they are stunning and I don't mean beautiful.  But the more I think about them the more they are, beautiful.  I may have typed them out but it is not me speaking.  These are His words.  To me, quite possible, but then maybe they are for you, too.  

It sounds as if this is a season for redeeming, like the prodigal making his way home.  It was love that he was met with.  It is only love that can redeem. 

And someone really needs to slap me up side the head.  

Am I so blind that I can't see this is what He has been doing to me.  The process that He has had me in.  That it is Him.  That it is only His love that can redeem what is broken in me.    

In the story of the prodigal, we see a father receiving a son back but it was the love of God that called the son back home and it was the love of God that allowed the father to accept him.  They were both broken but allowed the love of God to explode within their souls and fix all that needed fixing.

What needs fixing in you?  Whatever it is, there may appear to be multiple solutions and they probably sound convincing but only the love of God can fix the deepest parts of you, anything else is just temporary or conditional.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Life, the author is a Poet....

Life truly is poetry in motion.  

Life doesn't stop until it is over and rarely does it slow down.  

But the beauty of it all "is" there to be found.  

This walk with Christ is pure poetry.  

The mystery.  The seeking.  The shaking of our heads in thought.  The delight in imagery that He speaks.  

His words, spoken in His Word and through man, captivate my heart and draw me closer in.  

The rhythm.  The emotion of it all.  The more I listen to these words, the more I dig deeper to the heart of it all.  

It is all Beauty and it is all Love and everything, yes everything, is a Gift from above.

I've been quiet this last week and I have questioned this quietness and little desire to write but as I felt the need to open this page, God began to awaken inside.  Not that I haven't seen or heard from Him this week, He just began to but two and two together for me regarding this lack.

My attention has been turned to the many lost, broken, hurting, striving, struggling, desperate, standing, believing, searching but waiting on the Lord.

Yes, you read that correctly.


When life wants to rush us along, when answers don't come easy, when the fog is slow to lifting, when fear is ever crippling, when joy has exited the rear of the building, when well intended people really screw up, when darkness is over shadowing and our knees have been frequently bending, we can be present to all that we are feeling and find stillness in Him.

Isaiah 40:31

King James Version (KJV)
31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; 
they shall mount up with wings as eagles; 
they shall run, and not be weary; 
and they shall walk, and not faint.

Dear friends, a lot is weighing heavy on my heart and I know it is God that has led me to this as I know it is God that led you here.  If you could please remember these, listed below, in your prayers.  I know it will be much appreciated.  I also know that you will be strengthened by their thoughts and their words as they write from the waiting place with eyes expecting His Glory.

And if you have a need, please know that I am here to take it to the Lord in prayer.  I may not know you but I love you and He loves you so much more!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Am I moving....

I have at least 5 posts sitting in drafts, waiting patiently for my attention, not including the one I began this morning after a time of prayer and worship, that I got so frustrated with I just hit the delete button.  I feel as if I am riding on an escalator.  I'm moving yet I'm not.  Everything is going by me but I'm not active in the process.  My feet seem to be stuck, besides what is the right way to ride an escalator?  Do you continue to move once you're on it or do you rest and let it carry you?  

And the word "force" comes to mind.  

This is not at all where I thought I was going.  And I now feel something breaking in me.  I know God is behind this because once again my cheeks feel the evidence of a flood that can not be dammed.  Thoughts rush my mind, hurling explanations.  But in a flash, I feel a wall, a barrier of sorts spring up.  It's the same feeling that I had this morning, the same feeling that continues to hold those other 5 posts hostage.

Something keeps messing with my connection.  I keep trying to put into words how God is revealing things to me and my mind just stops working.  My thoughts are fleeting and fingers keep pausing mid sentence.  

I'm frustrated again but me an anxiety don't get along.  It is uninvited and will not be made to feel welcome within me, Christ's home.  

I'm not going to wrestle with the enemy and give up my peace, instead I'm off to do the dishes and put my self to bed.  

I will try again tomorrow.

Why force what is already in motion? Kinda like that escalator, right?

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Truth is calling....

It's Sunday.

The Sabbath.

I stand at the kitchen sink with the morning sun warming my face, wringing my toes against the cool autumn floor that lies beneath me, taking in the degrees of temperature and attracting the playful kittens that have been let in for their morning nourishment.

Children sit, bickering, around the breakfast table.  Biscuits rise in the oven as sausage sizzles in the cast iron skillet and the aroma of fresh brewed coffee fills the air.

And I just want to escape.

I'm here in body but my spirit is longing for another place.

Oh Lord, I seek your presence in a real, tangible way.  I need to feel you today, and so my spirit sings.

Calling for you, come be with me.

 Day twenty eitht of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series) 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Your praise was intended to set you free....

I often run to the things I know have a way of reaching me.  I have learned how to cling, cling tight to the things God has provided as a means of escape from the enemy.  I don't always grab hold as soon as I ought but I know it's never to late for Him to save me.  God's mercy is ever reaching.

I laid back in the bed after the morning routine, hoping to rest my worn, fatigued body.  The things I have been turning over in my head and my heart, have withheld much needed rest from the whole of me.  It was clear to me there would be no rest for my physical body if I didn't seek refuge in God Almighty.  

Confusion, lies and uncertainty, they only have power when I surrender my authority,  when the weariness becomes to much for me and I lose my voice and it all sounds so convincing.  But the Holy Spirit speaks, your praise will give you the strength that you need to see clearly, the schemes of the enemy.  

I could have argued that I didn't have it in me, but He knows me better.  I've walked through those seasons, those dark days and even darker nights that I denied myself any comfort in a God that just wanted to hold and to keep me.  I didn't deny His existence.  I just asked that He keep His distance.  I wanted to blame Him for my nonexistence.  I mean someone had to be responsible for the shattering of my heart and I was angry because He was allowing it.  As if I had nothing to do with it.

I came out of that with a greater understanding of what it means to love even when I don't feel like loving.  To trust when I can't see the outcome.  To declare that He is Good and He has the best of intentions for me.  And to know that nothing compares to the love that He has for me.  For God takes no pleasure in our heartache.  He was grieved when sin broke the covenant that He had with man.  Don't you know He feels loss with out you (Luke 15)? 

I came to know that as long as I was breathing, there was a praise that could be found within me.  So I grabbed a hold of my cell phone, open the app for IHOPKC (International House of Prayer Kansas City) and searched there archives.  I laid the phone on my chest and laid back against Him.  I laid there and soaked as my gratitude surfaced and overwhelmed me and with my mouth I released a praise.  A praise that was directed at Him.  But His intent was that I be set free as I was reminded of the just cause for a praise to proceed from me.

He is always there to catch me.  He is always there to shield and to protect me.  He is always there to pour out an extravagant love that I can't and I won't deny.  He's made a home in my heart and I call His heart my home.  My place of refuge, comfort and security.  I belong to Him and He belongs to me (Song of Solomon 2:16).

This is the short version of the song that has consumed me.

This would be the soaking version.

The IHOPKC archive is only available on the mobile version, under prophetic worship dated Sept 15 lead by Audra Lynn, if you need some really deep soaking time.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Truth digging....

Today I'm choosing not to give in to the confusion, the uncertainty, the judgement call left with a hung jury.    I've been living between that rock and that hard place for so long but I have been digging for that well that I know lies beneath.  

Some days it feels as if I'm digging out the same dirt that I have already dug and it feels oh so pointless.  I don't know if it's me that's filling the hole back in at times or if it's God or the enemy.  

There are times that I can dig past it, times where I sit and stare at it, times it seems to much to remove and times that in faith I speak be thou removed.  As you see, there has been no consistency.  I've been moved by emotion and thus made myself weary.

There is just cause for me to be weary because if I am not firm in my stance, being moved by emotion, I'm fighting me.  My attention is diverted and I quit digging.

God is a God of peace and clarity.  Confusion is the work of the enemy.  God speaks clearly, propelling us forward.  Even in times of rest, He is still working and perfecting something within us.

1 Corinthians 14:33 For God is not a God of confusion but of peace....

Confusion gives way to manipulation and will fight to keep you from moving forward.  

If something is bogging you down, doing a number on your emotions, making you weary, there is something at work.  May God send His spirit of Truth to bring peace and clarity.  And know as you continue digging, He is doing the same with in the midst of you.

He’s carving out a place in me
That I might contain his glory

Making a bigger space in me
That I might contain his glory

Like a dry river bed
I am waiting for the latter rain

Like a dry river bed
I am waiting for the latter rain

What do I do here in the waiting?
What do I do with my unsatisfied heart?
What do I do here in the waiting?
Here in the tension of believing again and again

Cause there's a lack
There’s a gap in my soul
Between the things
That I believe and I know

So holy spirit
You who fill all and all
Come and fill me
Holy Spirit, come and hold me together

So I fall into grace again
So I fall into grace again
So I fall into grace again
Like a child I am
Like a child I am

You said there would be joy in the laying down
You said there would be joy in the letting go
You said there would be joy in the giving of my life
And now I see

Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes

Come and rush over me
Come and rush over me
Come and rush over me
Let the river flow

I bow down
I get low
I open up my heart to receive your love

I gotta get to the wells of joy
I have to dig for the wells of joy
I gotta get to the wells of joy
I gotta get lower, lower

Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes

I gotta get to the wells of joy
I have to dig for the wells of joy
I gotta get to the wells of joy
I gotta get lower, lower

Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes

Day twenty two - twenty four of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series)


Monday, October 22, 2012

Reason enough just to be....

So........I've been about ready to give up on this project and just let things be.  With life and its daily grind and all the fun stuff that comes up to try and turn my world upside down or at least make it more messy and that little voice that says you are three days behind and you will never catch up, you don't stand a chance.....and seriously I could go on and on forever about all that whispers its trifle, sinister comments, casting its two cents whether or not their invited.   

But I am reminded that I did not choose this topic.  

This topic chose me.  

And I did not start this as another task to complete.  I started this as a means to see my way through the dark and perhaps to see His light in me. 

I am realizing more and more that every second is a choice between victory and defeat.  Every moment can be redeemed.  And grace is a key to redeeming victory.  

I have the power to choose and can turn things around in any given moment by accepting God's grace instead of hanging my head in my chosen defeat.

I have been reflecting, this evening, in the quiet of sleeping children and the following words came to me and have provoked me to these lines of thought.

Truth is not a dispute.  It can stand on its own and needs no explanation from man.  Truth is a statement.  It speaks for itself.  Truth came to the earth in the form of Jesus.  And it is known by the fruits of the spirit, the very nature of Him.  There is nothing showy or demanding about it.  It doesn't say, "here, look at me".  It says, "I am because He is and that is reason enough just to be".

And with this my eyes are heavy and more truth contemplating will have to wait for tomorrow.

 Day twenty one of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series)  

Truth for today....

I was browsing through my blog roll (all the blogs that I'm following) this morning and God is still working on me and this thing of grace.

This title was staring me in the face,  "How do you know when you’ve done enough?".

We sit around a table at a local restaurant. My friends and I are sharing a dessert sampler {yum!}. The topic of conversation is guilt–but it’s not because of the sugar this time.
Nope, we’re talking about the guilt we feel in our everyday lives. The guilt it seems all women feel at one time or another.
Mine comes in a particular form, with a flavor as distinct as the slice of pie staring up at me from my plate. I tend to feel like what I do is never enough. I tell myself, “I’ll rest when it’s all done.” But it’s never all done.

You can click here to finish reading what Holley Gerth, of (in)courage, had to say about this thing of grace.  Apparently I'm not the only one having trouble getting this.

 Day twenty of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series)

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Truth in lies....a continuation.

 A continuation from day 18 of 31 days of reflecting on truth.

Living with unmet needs has left scars because the wounds were so deep.  Even now my mind does not want to go there because the memories are so draining.  This place hurts.  And this hurting makes me angry.  Then the anger subsides and I'm left weeping.  I can accept a lot of things but that doesn't make it any less painful.

I know God has a way of using things and He has.  For I have learned what it is to persevere, to trust Him and to truly believe that He is faithful.

My mistake was believing that because so many needs had been left unmet, I must not truly need anything but God.  This was a way of coping.  If I didn't truly need them then I could block them out and become numb to them.  And I had been doing this for a period of years only it doesn't work so well.  You can't pick and choose when to feel and not feel.  What to feel and not feel.  It is either all or nothing.  And nothing is a dangerous place, because it destroys all connections to or with anything.

I chose to restore feeling because I needed to feel God in order to experience and continue a relationship with Him, not just to go through the motions out of routine or a condemned spirit.  This is the difference between a head knowledge of God and a heart knowledge.  I needed to feel to connect with my children in order to take better care of them.  I needed to feel if I was going to continue to pursue a relationship with my husband.  I needed to feel in order to be mindful of other people and identify with their needs.  

And this brings me full circle. I have to stop denying that I too have needs.  And that that is not a bad thing.  Everyone has need of something.  I need Him daily.  I need Him to put an end to my striving.  I need Him to whisper it's okay that I'm not living up to my expectations of myself because He wants me to live out of who He is in me.  God, I've got to quit with all this trying and just be.

The truth in lies is this, I am needy.  But being needy is a part of humanity.  It's not a sign of weakness.  It's a sign we were meant to be connected.  Connected to God and those He desires to have a place in our lives.  Our failure to realize and admit this is often times what prevents our deepest needs from being met. 

I need to make room for grace and make her feel invited because she has a way of setting me at ease.

 Day nineteen of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series) 


Truth in lies....

There is very little quiet in my life right now.  When you work from home, there is no such thing as leaving it at the office.  Everything that is still undone or piling up, sits at the fore front of my mind and presses hard against my temples.  The laundry still sitting in the washing machine a day old, weighs in with the sink full of dishes.  Them and their mockery.  Report cards come home with bright, capable children only they tell a slightly different story.  And there's more, so, so much more.

I'm not faring any of this well. 

I'm much to hard on myself and it makes me miserable.  

There is so much talk of grace these days and I get it.  Yet there is none for me.  I can't seem to convince myself that I too deserve it.  No, deserve is not the right word.  Or maybe that's what is wrong with my thinking.  It's not a matter of deserve.  It is a gift that God gives.  It operates as such, that when I am not enough, he is more than enough for me.  He covers my shortcomings......God please let this sink in.

And with this thought, I crumble.  Me with all my trying.  I can try and try and give all that I've got and it will never be enough because it was never meant to be.  We were not created to be self sufficient and this is agony.  This is a war that lives inside of me, not knowing how to balance being needy.  For most of my lifetime, needy, has been an ugly word.  One that would like to destroy me.  For me to utter the words "I need" to anyone other than God, is beyond me.  Correction, has been beyond me.

Interruptions are calling even now......but I shall return shortly for there is more purging of this truth in lies..... 


Thursday, October 18, 2012

Just as you are....

For those days that you need to be reminded.

You, with your sharp tongue and your frustrations.
You, with your doubt and niche for despair.
You, with your wounded heart and trust issues.
You, with your high expectations and list of disappointments.
You, with your mind whose thoughts betray who you really are.
You, with your dreams that seem to have been crushed by the enemy's schemes.
You, with your unforgiveness and lack of grace for your self.

There is a place to run to, where yes, you certainly belong.
Where YOU ARE LOVED, just as YOU ARE.

His thoughts define you, He is inside you and He is your reality.
And if you can't run, just say His name and He will come to you.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

His Word will find you.......

I spend to much time on the computer but it does allow me to work from home.  I spend to much time in my head but most of that is good and makes me who I am.  I am trying to stay on top of this 31 day thing and so far I have written every day just haven't hit publish but tonight I don't think I want to do anything.  Look at this screen, type, think, write or hit publish.  So I thought a few random thoughts would be quick, painless and get this over with, so here goes nothing.

If I have a change of heart and find myself back in front of this screen late tonight, I won't complain.  For now.  It will put me ahead of this thing.  Just don't ask me that when I have to get myself up and three little girls also, or maybe you can ask me just don't ask them.  lol

........This is funny.   Before I started on my random thoughts, something came to me.  The words I wrote yesterday, about how God doesn't look away, brought to surface the words "there is no turning".  And this led me to His word.  I had to laugh at what I found.

James 1:17

17Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow (other translations say there is no shadow of turning).   18In the exercise of His will He brought us forth by the word of truth, so that we would be a kind of first fruits among His creatures.    19This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;    20for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.     21Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls.    22But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.     23For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror;     24for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was.   25But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.      26If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless.    27Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world. 

And of course, I'm crying now.  Does God undo you with His Word?  He does me.  I hear things and I write things and then He brings confirmation like this.  He's alive.  His Word is alive.  Living, breathing in me.  And it is speaking.  Always speaking. Can't you tell, this thrills me just a little? 

Is it living and breathing in you?  Always speaking too?

Monday, October 15, 2012

Always truth listening.....

Truth can be found many places and for me it is often revealed to me in music.  I don't listen simply for enjoyment.  I listen for how something moves me, how it personifies my feelings or grabs my attention.  I came across a song today that was not familiar in word but was in spirit.  It had a presence and it spoke in a language that so intrigues me.  It was weighty and holy and its imagery was magnificent however simple it might seem.  The arrangement, the human spirit calling out to deep, the violin solo in the end, it called out to me and I closed my eyes, listened and began typing.....

I looked for a video for the song but one was not to be found and so I typed out the lyrics below and there is a link to the song if you don't have access to one of the numerous internet radio sites (I found it on Spotify).

You dance in the paintings of the blind.
You dwell in the melodies of the mute
You reveal in the suffering of the sick
You rejoice in the fellowship of the poor

Won't you show us how to love
Show us how to love
Show us how to love
To love like you love

Your kingdom come , your will be done
Your kingdom come, your will be done
Your kingdom come, your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven

In me as it is in heaven, in me as it is in heaven

 Nic and Rachael Billman: Shores Reprise on the album The least of these.

 ...........These are the words I typed with closed eyes, listening.

I love the way You see. 
Never closing your eyes; never ignoring.
I love the way You see. 
So  forgiving, never despising.

Doesn't your heart hurt from all that You see, all this ugly, lost and rejected? 
So many pieces, falling, falling down. 
Shattering with an alarming sound.
Yet, You don't look away.

But in the pieces, in the pieces of a broken humanity, you speak of beauty like truth. 
Your eyes turn not for there is so much longing. 
Longing for us, to see, see this beauty of which you speak.

Imperfection is a word that does not exist in your eyes, for all of mankind has been perfected in You.

We are all your handiwork, your creation with our messed up ways of thinking lack is a curse and inability is mockery. 

We curse what we do not understand and we break further still. 

Oh God, I want to break for you not for my ignorance. 
I want to be dressed in your wisdom and truth.  I want to see; see the way I look like you.
All beauty.  All truth.

We see injustice, needing and suffering and we respond with indifference or a prayer of how the world needs God Almighty or something

But the answers lie in what reflects in your eyes.

Me, with a humbled and a contrite spirit offered up, an offering.
Me, poured out for the ugly, lost and rejected.
Me, reflecting; Reflecting you,

What did you hear when you read this?  What did it speak to you?  Oh and a little FYI, there is no wrong answer.  Revelation is unique to you.  God doesn't sound exactly the same to me as He does to you, I'm certain.  There is unity in God's message but we travel different routes to arrive at the bases of the same conclusion.  And it's okay if it didn't speak anything to you because for a moment you were open to listening.  

 Day fifteen of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series)