Thursday, November 15, 2012

I am not the one that knows best....

The things we bury deep, you and me.  Forgotten but never that far from the surface.

 Flashes, times past, old wounds, ugly scars, rotten flesh that I'd just as soon cut out than administer any form of processed healing.  These are the things I feel and I see in the dark.

Why must I walk this road?  Why must I revisit and relive these stories of a dead and blood soaked past?

I sound harsh and a part of me wants to rescue time and interject,  "Certainly, it wasn't that bad."  But how can having your beating heart ripped from your chest be looked upon with a rosy shade of optimism?  Our sufferings are all relevant and could not feel more real when the affect the core of who we are.

Then I hear it.  It's there.  Beating wildly in my ears.  And I hear You.  "I didn't leave you then and I'm here now holding on to you."

I need to find comfort in those words but I can't.  If I keep holding your hand, you'll heal this in me but not without facing fleshly demands of justice for me and that of the anger bound by a choke chain, kept under submission, that would just love gnawing on flesh if released from its current choke position.

What is to stop this anger from consuming me as we walk through this healing? Whether it be holy, righteous anger from injustice served, there is a flesh battle I have no desire to fight for this healing.  I don't want to fight against these demons that proclaim the injustice served me would do these offenders,  all justly.

I know the enemy and who's responsible for things done to me, are two different things.  I cast no lots for suffering but I'm no fool to the ways sin blankets flesh like a caring companion.    How can you be sure bitterness won't become me, that I won't get stuck and buried in the process because this already feels so weighty.

And I hear You again, "You will have to trust Me."

But God, how could any good come from this?  This revisiting and reliving of the past.

And words like unpacking and process connect with redeeming and freeing and it is all beyond my understanding, my thinking.  I can't live with feeling nothing but how do I feel it all without collapsing from the weight and all that is straining.

Remind me that you are a God of love, a God of grace and a God of mercy once again.

(I finished the above sentence and the song below was the next random selection from my playlist.  Some folks would call that a coincidence.  I'm not one of them.)

Let’s survive this together
We’ve survived so much together already
But I want to live through this with you

This is why I’m alive
Its moments like this I want together with you
Let’s just take tonight and breathe again

You feel pain tonight
You won't always feel this way
You feel plain tonight
And it's going to be okay
It’s going to be okay

Let’s survive this together
We’ve survived so much together already
But I want to live through this with you

No comments:

Post a Comment