Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The blind follow a lead......

Whenever reading some one's writing, I'm always curious to know on what authority do they speak.  I always say to myself I'm an open book.  But how comfortable am I really with this thing of exposing?  

I know what it is you want.  Will you trust me?  This is God, speaking of the desires of my heart.  And yet again it's the question of the trusting.  Is there something I'm missing?  Have I ever not really trusted you Lord?  

......So you're really going to go there?  I could always pretend not to hear you. .......and so it's time for a little more up rooting? 

But God, how?  I'm blind.  I do not see.  Please , please show me.  I'm not afraid of what it might look like nor where it might lead.  I'm afraid of stumbling, second guessing, my old insecurities.  -This is me, trying to sound brave as if I know where He is leading me. 

-So I offer a few words of truth, not to far from the surface, cause this is where we live, where we are protected.  So we would like to think.

This identity of uncertainty.  Who you say I am and my capabilities versus the smallness and weakness of me. 

-But there is an echo in my ear.  And it's my voice.  These are words I have never spoken, audibly.

"There is no reason for you to love me.  You should just ignore me like everyone else has.  There is nothing special about me."

-This is the bitter pill I have swallowed time and time again, so willingly.  But hearing it cuts me through and through.  God, it sounds as if I'm mocking you.  Is this what it is to grieve the heart of God?  Yes, I have grieved you.  I have mocked and cursed and devalued your creation.

Me, with my grandeur and self righteousness....  

You really meant to go deep.

None the less this has been my addiction.  This thing I hide from the light, that hoovers always in the far corners of my mind.  A numbing belief that you could not possible have any use for  me.  Which I have disguised as a defense mechanism; shielding myself from further disappointment.  It's easier to believe that I am nothing than it is to get my hopes up and be further disappointed.

No, no I do not trust you with matters of the heart.  Why should I trust you with my desires?  I've spent my life following your lead and I am no closer to what I want and where I want to be.  I hear this lashed out. 

-No, wait a minute this could not be me.  This is not how I truly feel.  This is one lie I will not feed.  The rest is true.  But God I love you.  And I will never regret following your lead. 

And then came a whisper, "Be careful of the things you allow your mind to entertain.  Like any guest, welcome, they will eventually grow hungry."

How did things get so misconstrued? 

Disappointments.  Yes.  
A lack of understanding.  Yes.  
But doubting you?  
This is about me.  This is about letting go, isn't it?  Letting go of the lies and the feelings.  And the sick comfort in the believing.  Always longing for an explanation to bring healing or a promise things are changing.

I have not wholeheartedly accepted your acceptance of me.  Simply because I have not accept me.  My acceptance of my self has been based on the frailty of how others receive me.

And the measure of your great love can only be comprehensible when I stop looking at the me I perceive to see through the eyes of those whose actions mislead me.  

Replace my conditional with your unconditionality!  

Forgive me.   

God I trust you even if trusting asks me to go deep.  To expose what you are exposing in me.  

What lies are you believing, that are not comforting but you have grown comfortable with, that are keeping you from stepping into all that God has for you?

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