When everything that can go wrong, does. And it is working on that "last nerve". Even in these moments it is possible to hear God speak.
Fear of failure.....there is no fear, for I am failing; failing miserably. Everything seems but a distraction. One to which I want to shout "Go away, just go away. Leave me. Let me be", but rather I hang my head and let the tears fall ever so softly. I internalize because I do not wish to jar the feelings of a mere child.
Why all the distractions? Why the irritation with it all? Why have I cursed the very things that sustain me in their own perpetual ways? How can my joys so easily strike me like sand paper some days? What have I removed for this equation to turn the table thus so? Do I dare look deeper into this gray heart of mine?
Shame on me for my ungratefulness. This selfishness that speaks of entitlement. Who am I? Who am I to think such thoughts?
Psalms 51
6 Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from Your presence and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.
15 O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
17 My sacrifice [the sacrifice acceptable] to God is a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart [broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent], such, O God, You will not despise.
God speaks in many ways. In what appears to be our own thoughts some days. Other days He can speak to us with a direct scripture. This particular day I heard both.
When God speaks so directly to my heart, I usually find myself at His feet with an offering. This time it was a prayer.....along with a lot of tears.
Take my thoughts captive oh God, with your love, rebuke me of my trespasses. Do not allow me to stay in this place. Your grace provides freedom, for by which with my sacrifice of praise, I am open to receive. Lord, God continue to teach me.
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