There is no contradiction in truth...

I was hoping that my frame of mind would improve but World War III broke out this afternoon and resulted in everyone being sent to their rooms.  Well not everyone.  I was not included.  I got the short end of that stick.  Work at my computer, ringing telephone and dinner that refuses to cook itself, over the refuge of my bedroom; I think not. But as always, responsibility called.  Someday I might think to change my number.  Needless to say I didn't find my way to writing, other than this paragraph I am typing now, so I am posting something I wrote over the summer.  It does pertain to truth and writing it was freeing.  You might want to give it a try.....

Last night I sat alone with my thoughts and some pretty fierce accusations.  The way the enemy tries to weave webs but oh, how he forgets who holds those threads.  Go ahead, plant your thoughts.  Whisper your nothings into my ear.  For your words have no power here.  I "know" the heart of my God and as His word says, "His perfect love drives out all fear". 

Tell me about how you think my God failed.  How he forsook me.  Led me down a path He knew would cause grief and heartache.   Yes, ask me where was His compassion.  Go ahead, bring up my desires.  My passions.  Give me your full arsenal.  Your hook, line and sinker; you presumptuous fool.  But just keep in mind, I've got something for you too.

I wasn't born yesterday.  I know all to well the games that you play.  And I happen to believe in His word, for I have hidden His truth in my heart and I am a carrier of His spirit, a light in the dark.  I rest in His shadow.  I believe in His love and His faithfulness.  No, I don't understand all of His ways but hear me, let me make myself clear,  I know Him.  I've been in His very presence.  I know His voice, how he speaks to my heart, whispers to calm fears.  He smiles on me and continually tells me what I am worth and how He has moved heaven and earth.  He has shared with me His pain and His grief over the lost connection with all that He loved.  As well as the joy He has felt in supplying a rescue and how the end so justifies the means to Him.  For I have been ransomed. God's love is so great that there is no price He was not willing to pay .  You might be able to ignore the truth of all creation, deceived by your own imaginations but I AM LOVED and that is something you can never take from me, undermine and cause me not to see.
Truth does not change based on circumstance or situation.  God's love changes not!  And He never operates in contradiction.

Day three of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (click here for this series) 

Deeper still....

Drained......the conclusion I have drawn.  In search of inspiration however that well currently seems to have been tapped dry.  I'm thankful for the changing weather which means open doors and letting the outside in.  But still this does not satisfy.  This turmoil in my soul is relentless.  Dear God, how do I discern and navigate this windy road?  Do I laugh?  Do I cry?.......

And along creeps in a smile.  I must be on to something.  Yes, I know this feeling.  Something breaks in my spirit but at the same time something is connecting.  The knot that held me tied to things external, unravels. I must look internally to tie myself tighter to You.  External beauty can not restore balance to internal suffering, completely.  Sometimes the vein opens so deep that only an infusion of His blood can restore things.  Search deep.....search deep.  Deeper is where you will find Me.  Past yes and no answers.  Past solutions that no longer apply.  Past remedies that have already been tried.  Past phrases, words; even your questions that have already been heard.

We all have questions.  We all want answers.  And we all want this to be quick, easy and most of all painless.  Nobody likes hard, laborsome work.  The ground is hard beyond the surface because in our own selfish ambitions we fail to care for what lies deep until we are faced with no way around it.  Nothing ever heals for the outside in.  We nurse wounds, urging them to hurry, heal, but what of the infection even deeper still.  Why do we fight what God so desires to expose so that true, complete, healing can race forth?  Our naked eye is only so good.  It is not trained.  It does not see all the signs.  Not all symptoms stand, exposed.  There is something to this hidden.  Humanity dies a slow death because of what it can't see.  Certainly not from what it chooses to ignore, no?

This is where the statement, "Ignorance is bliss", must come from.  And I am picking up where I left off several days ago when I began this compilation of thoughts.  My mind keeps returning to the same word.  

TRUTH.  Truth is that word.  It runs deep.  Just when you think you have a grasp of it, it runs deeper still.  It runs deep because it was meant to be the foundation on which we build our lives.  Everyone knows that a foundation laid too shallow will not withstand much of a shaking.  The earth is continually moving beneath our feet; and these footers.  How sure is your foundation and upon what have you laid it?

My days are gravitating to this topic and I am hungry for this manna.  I just keep reaching for more, as the space around my desk would give witness to.  A book here.  A book there.  Not including the stacks on the floor. There is something to this, after all, the Word of God does say "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).   

So for the next month I will be examining Truth and its flip side.  I am hoping to find time to write about it.  But for now, here is something to think about.

      Proverbs 23:23

Buy the truth and do not sell it; get wisdom, discipline and understanding.

Day two of 31 Days Reflecting on truth (Click here for this series) 

Blood, sweat and tears. What they all have in common....

This gets me, it gets me in the gut, these words I write, that I express, rip me wide open and all at once I am whole and I am broken.  I am at peace and I am at war.  I am tangled, searching and I am undone, staring straight into the son.  How can I love so much what I don't wholly or completely know?  But I do.  And this thing is to be my driving force, my inspiration and my pursuit.

.....I crashed this morning.  Everything within me broke wide open and my one plea was, "God I need you to hold me.".  For weeks now, everything has felt like it was caving in and once again I was trying to handle it.  But what happened this morning, I so desperately needed it.  

My body trembled as anguish poured out like blood leaving the body.  Everything became numb until I felt the warmth of Him wrap like a blanket around me.  I divert the thoughts to condemn myself for waiting so long to call out and instead I choose to just breathe and snuggle deep into the warmth of Him covering me.

I could lie.  I could pretend.  I could hold this all in.  But I will no longer run from my healing...God break this in me.  And maybe in a way my healing could begin your healing too.

Maybe that's really why I write and maybe that's why it can be such a fight sometimes.

There aren't enough lights in this dark and this is why I must fight, why I have been fighting all my life.  One true light does exist.  I have witnessed this over and over; time and time again.  My heartaches to remember this and it aches to know that you know this too.  And in this, my life begins to make sense.

The lines I have walked, the fights I have fought, this life I have lived.....my choices, my decisions....why obedience has been my pursuit....my life....my life, it's about You and about you.

Yes, you!  You reading this.  You may say no, no I don't even know you.  And maybe personally I don't but I'm almost certain I can identify with your hurt and your feelings, for the things I have experienced have been for that very reason.

True intercession is birthed out of fighting battles that are beyond all your reasoning.  The things we fight that just don't make sense.  Times you've said I thought I was past this only for it to come back again and again.  Wisdom now tells you your tactics have to be different and you determine to fight when all hell screams "Just  quit".  And maybe even God says, you choose your route, but something in you says "no, I have to fight this fight to its death.".  

These moments....they have purpose.  They are moving things in the heavens.  That's why the fight feels so real and presses so hard on you.  Its not only your deliverance you are pursuing.  It's for the lives that your life is touching.   After all all of humanity is interwoven.  That's why we must fight and keep fighting.  That's why when you sweat, you sweat blood.  You don't know this but your sweat, it's covering someone.  So when the time comes, they won't have to sweat as hard as you have because of the battles you've won.

.....now, after writing, typing and reading this, I don't know what you will make of it however it is a piece of me poured out and the words of a song play softly in my mind....like oil upon your feet, like wine for you to drink, like water from my heart, I pour my love on you.  If praise is like perfume, I'll lavish mine on you,  Till every drop is gone, I'll pour my love on you.....

The long one....

You know the answers I was searching for, frustrated and struggling cause I didn't have them.  They've found me and well I would really like to send them back to where they came from.  I don't like them.  They aren't pretty.  No bows, no glitter, no cutesy note.  No promises things are about to get easier.  Certainly no sugar coating.

But how often does the truth really come packaged like that? 

Rather it generally comes in an unsuspecting form that makes you curious so you begin peeling back the layers so to speak.  Seems harmless and you feel like, "Hey, I might be getting somewhere!", cause a few lights have started to go off in that pretty little head of yours.  

So you keep digging.  Keep listening.  Keep reading.  Then, "BAM", before you even know what hit you, you are reeling from the cold, hard truth of it all.  No quick attempts to pick yourself up off the floor.  No back peddling or turning your tail to run, because though it is hard and it hurts and your heart feels like it's going to burst another part of you wants to sit there and scream and to curse.

Once again you are at war.  You wanted the truth.  And the truth hurts.  You wanted to slam the door on it but you know truth is meant to set you free and isn't "free" what you have been desiring?  Still you're murmuring, complaining, "This is going to be work.  Haven't I almost worked myself to death just to get here?".  And the answer is a big, fat resounding "Yes".  But didn't you already know this is war?

You are at war for your mind.  At war for your heart.  At war for those God dreams you thought had died.  You are at war for a man.  At war for those children that you break wide open for each and everyday.  You are at war for that family member.  That neighbor.  That women that you are desperate to reach out to.  You are at war for each and every individual that needs to hear you and your story poured out.

So yes, it has been work.  The road has been hard and it has been long.  All of which has been preparation for this battle.  There is so much to lose but oh so much more to be gained.  You can drag your feet.  But you can not avoid this battle.

 Unless of course you are willing to stop dead in your tracks and walk away from all of your hopes.  All of your dreams.  And say to the masses, "You don't need me.  This world does not need to hear my story and I'm sorry you are going to have to continue to suffer because I refuse to surrender my life for the cause of Christ."

Can you live with those last words?


     -I dropped the girls off at school this morning, came back home (I work from here), laid down on the bed and started to cry about how hard life is right now.  Intent on wallowing in self pity because I'm so tired.  I feel so alone and I'm sick of the hurting.  Sick of the charade.  The masks we all hide behind.  The foolishness of pretending.  The fear of exposing.  These things that keep us isolated; secluded.

Hello!!!! Does anybody here me?  The truth is so many of us are all in the same boat.  Kinda like the titanic.  I hope you can swim, cause it doesn't matter how pretty or impressive it looks on the outside.  There are serious holes under the surface that are going to sink this ship.  It's just a matter of time.

But God. For minute, I thought I heard an echo.  But God..but God..but God..... He won't allow me to keep going there.  So I picked up a pen and a notebook and just began writing and this, this is what came out.

Purging.  Yes, purging.  The lies.  The mounds of lies I once succumbed too.  They all must come out.  

-Let me just say, God will rebuke you when you pick them back up again after the realization of what they are.  This is His loving way of protecting you from yourself on days like today.  It is the evidence of the deep relationship that you have with Him.  You know Him and accept His ways.  He knows you and knows you will listen and take instruction.  This that I speak of is what real intimacy looks like.  Letting Him look into me and see all the things I once thought were hidden.  The things I once wanted to hide from you.

My sin.  My shame.

Jesus came that I might be saved from all of it.  I have accepted Him.  It's time to let these things go.  They are not who or what I am.  They have shaped me but do not define me.  Only God has permission to do that.

I am signing off now....don't wipe the sweat from your brow just yet.... with one final thought....I hope you laughed just then at yourself or at me....final thought, right?  God redeems what we are willing to release (this means letting go of).  Will you give Him your life, each and every messy and dirty and broken and hollow part of it?  The God of the bible, my heavenly father, my one and only best friend promises beauty in return.  Sounds like the deal of eternity to me.

Yes God, it's me and I'm struggling....

I'm struggling today.  There I said it.  No actually this has been going on for several days now.  Hence, my absence.  Sometimes I hate having questions and no answers to them.  This is one of those times.  I am so tired of hearing myself say, "I don't know".  

And so goes the tears. 

Yes, if you haven't notice I'm a crier.  Always have been and always will be.  It is my way of connecting with Him.  Wow.  It is funny how that just came out.  I know it is something I have always done.  But now it makes sense.  It's what happens when the two become one, when my thoughts, my feelings, the essence of me are met with His presence.  The waters begin to flow. 

I hang my head in surrender and watch as a puddle forms on the surface of my desk.  My shoulders relax and I take a deep breath.  There is relief in knowing He sees I'm struggling.  How I desperately need for Him to see that.  I need for Him to interject Himself.  And He does.  Because my tears have invited Him.  

I've let the brave face go.  I've stopped pretending.  I'm identifying with all that is hurting.  The contractions are back and I'm reminded.  I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT HIM.  Why do I keep trying?  Isn't it the trying that continues the struggle.  Yes, its the trying that gets me in trouble, every time.  My own efforts.  My own strength.  Who am I kidding?  I can't do this.  I can't do this alone.

The fog is finally lifting and the words, "Your Spirit's water to my soul" take on new meaning.  I have often wondered about these tears I cry.  Tried to stop them.  Been embarrassed by them.  But they are a part of who I am or maybe whose I am.  Probably both.  

As a small child, five maybe six, I could be found sitting in front of the stereo with tears rolling down my face.  This I can see like it was yesterday. This is me then.  And yes, little did I understand that even then He was speaking.

 
My daddy had a love for music and always had it going.  After he began to fall in love with Jesus, most of what he played was about Him.  

"Thank you God for my daddy.  For the ways he demonstrated his love for You.  The music that filled our home.  The feel of the leather bible cover that he crafted with his own hands to guard the Word that he was learning to cherish and hide in his heart.  His kindness toward strangers and how he could never look the other way when someone was in need.  These things made it feasible to reach for grace in the tough times that we seemed to be at odds and my mind wanted to question his love for me.  Only a girl knows how much she needs the love of a father."

My mama would always ask, Laci is everything okay?  I never had words to describe what I was feeling.  I was drawn and we collided, my God and me.  To think now how the Holy Spirit has always visited me.  

And yet I forget and I struggle.  I try hard and I fail.  But what once took months to see has now dwindled to days. Slowly, I'm getting it.  

Lord, You, make all the difference.  And You are the answer to everything.  Cause my "I don't knows" to become "God knows" and let that be more than enough for me.

Thank God for the process....

Do you believe that God knows what is best for you?  That His intentions are good?  That His plans are to give you a hope and a future?  Do you really believe that He loves you the way that He says He does?  

If you answered any of the above with yes, then you need to begin to accept that that thing you are walking in the middle of right now, is of or being allowed by God.  As Ann Voskamp puts it, it's the ugly-beautiful.  It hurts and it's hard but what you are not seeing is what it is stripping away and making room for; revealing.  

I know this season seems long and seems it has over run its course.  You may have even uttered, "Haven't I grieved long enough, why can't I just move on or this be over."  I know that I myself have a bad habit of trying to repack my baggage and store it away in a closet because of the time and energy I have exhausted attempting to sort through years of my junk somewhat on my own.  

This thing of purging, it's a process.  And it is one that you can not dictate. You do not get to open the suitcase and choose what to pull out and when to throw it away.  There are things in there that you have long since buried and forgotten.  It is best to let God do the selecting or allow Him to guide you through the process.  He does have a plan, a course of action and He will not force your hand or overwhelm you with the process. 

He will help you to slowly unpack and reflect on each garment you have worn and why it was placed there instead of being tossed away.  Maybe you even thought you had tossed it but for some reason it has remained.  We hold on to so much for one reason or another.  No wonder life is hard and we struggle.  We are constantly dealing with this clutter.  

Can you imagine what it would be like for your spirit to really be free?

I have so pondered this thought and I want it!  My heart might be breaking in midst of the process but I know what is in the makings.  And I choose to trust what God is doing.   I will stand and testify, like David, Asaph and the other authors of Psalms.  I do not fully understand but (there's that word again) I will praise Him!  I will praise Him again and again and again!

What's keeping you from the process?  I know you want to be free.  

Or maybe you have stepped out and you are in the middle of it.  Come on you can do this! Or rather you've got this (actually He's got you and with Him you can do anything.).   Remember He is your prize.  And you're becoming more and more beautiful!  

And here is a high five and a hug for those of you that have gone before the rest of us and know this to be true.  Thank you for your courage and the example you have set!  I promise you have been an inspiration to someone you may never have been aware of watching you.  


Praise Him today, where ever you are!  Whether with a shout or a whisper, it really doesn't matter, either way you have blessed His heart!

It's called surrendering....

Not too long ago I found myself in a situation where life seemed to be hell bent on getting the best of me.  I sat at my computer intent on working but I was slowly collapsing under the weight of things.  My job titles are rather extensive, as I am sure are yours. 

I felt the need to take out what I was feeling on the keys that sat innocently under my fingers.  With each letter, a word formulated.  With each word, my thoughts progressed.  It is funny how sometimes my fingers move faster that my brain or maybe it's this southern drawl.  I can type faster that I can hear myself say it in my head.....