Make perfect your strength in me....

Defeated......laying low and loathing the sound of my own voice. That is the dark corner I often find myself backed into. Struggling with lies and illustreatous illusions. How strings of insecurities and chords of uncertainty can be woven together by our wrecked and unstable observations, to become ties that bind us to everything but the truth.


Some things are so ingrained in us, that we constantly feel or see ourselves as struggling. Struggling is for the weak, those that just can't get it together. It's for those that are indecisive, unstable and in religious crowds- those of little faith, perseverance and real love for God. Right? Isn't this what we feel, what we've heard? Isn't it what that little voice inside our mind, tries to convince us of?


Okay. So maybe it's just me, struggling with whom I am and who I appear to be. Maybe I'm the only one that needs to be reminded that who I am is who He says I am and who I appear to be is a jumble of my own self condemnation and what others do or don't think of me.


My silence is shame. Shame that I haven't figured out life and it's jagged edges that corner me. The edges that sting and if pressed hard enough can cause even the toughest of skin to bleed. The subject of the struggle need not be the same, it's the grind to which we all relate.


My withdrawal from putting pen to paper or fingers to my keys was an act of retreat, an attempted to stop a struggle of the mind and the condemnation of the blind leading the blind, so to speak. But how can I show that a light exists in your darkness if I quit bearing witness and only write when the glimpse of light has ushered in a new and glorious morn? What would that speak to you, of the faithfulness of God and His tender mercies that are to follow us all the days of our lives?


Our struggles are not a reflection of our holiness or righteousness before God. God has no scale of judgement that are days are being held up too. Our struggles are an opportunity to deepen our relationship with the Lord, to allow fruit to produce and to allow His strength to be made perfect in our weakness.


2 Corinthians 12:8-10

8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.



He has no expectation of us mastering life all on our own.


Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 145:18
The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.


*The implication of a struggle means no resolve has been reached, a fight is still taking place and the outcome is still to be determined, therefore no judgement can be cast. You haven't given up or given in if your still struggling.


There is yet hope......and God has provided for our struggling.


Ephesians 6:10-20

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Yes God, it's me and I'm struggling....

I'm struggling today.  There I said it.  No actually this has been going on for several days now.  Hence, my absence.  Sometimes I hate having questions and no answers to them.  This is one of those times.  I am so tired of hearing myself say, "I don't know".  

And so goes the tears. 

Yes, if you haven't notice I'm a crier.  Always have been and always will be.  It is my way of connecting with Him.  Wow.  It is funny how that just came out.  I know it is something I have always done.  But now it makes sense.  It's what happens when the two become one, when my thoughts, my feelings, the essence of me are met with His presence.  The waters begin to flow. 

I hang my head in surrender and watch as a puddle forms on the surface of my desk.  My shoulders relax and I take a deep breath.  There is relief in knowing He sees I'm struggling.  How I desperately need for Him to see that.  I need for Him to interject Himself.  And He does.  Because my tears have invited Him.  

I've let the brave face go.  I've stopped pretending.  I'm identifying with all that is hurting.  The contractions are back and I'm reminded.  I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT HIM.  Why do I keep trying?  Isn't it the trying that continues the struggle.  Yes, its the trying that gets me in trouble, every time.  My own efforts.  My own strength.  Who am I kidding?  I can't do this.  I can't do this alone.

The fog is finally lifting and the words, "Your Spirit's water to my soul" take on new meaning.  I have often wondered about these tears I cry.  Tried to stop them.  Been embarrassed by them.  But they are a part of who I am or maybe whose I am.  Probably both.  

As a small child, five maybe six, I could be found sitting in front of the stereo with tears rolling down my face.  This I can see like it was yesterday. This is me then.  And yes, little did I understand that even then He was speaking.

 
My daddy had a love for music and always had it going.  After he began to fall in love with Jesus, most of what he played was about Him.  

"Thank you God for my daddy.  For the ways he demonstrated his love for You.  The music that filled our home.  The feel of the leather bible cover that he crafted with his own hands to guard the Word that he was learning to cherish and hide in his heart.  His kindness toward strangers and how he could never look the other way when someone was in need.  These things made it feasible to reach for grace in the tough times that we seemed to be at odds and my mind wanted to question his love for me.  Only a girl knows how much she needs the love of a father."

My mama would always ask, Laci is everything okay?  I never had words to describe what I was feeling.  I was drawn and we collided, my God and me.  To think now how the Holy Spirit has always visited me.  

And yet I forget and I struggle.  I try hard and I fail.  But what once took months to see has now dwindled to days. Slowly, I'm getting it.  

Lord, You, make all the difference.  And You are the answer to everything.  Cause my "I don't knows" to become "God knows" and let that be more than enough for me.