Do what only You can do...

I know you are here, but sometimes I wonder where are you in all of this.  The question on the tip of my tongue, the one that surfaces when these tears begin to fall, the one I know you know is coming because....because we have found our rhythm; our sync.  Here it is, God what more are you desiring to remove from me?  

I know the hot tears that fall from a heart split wide open in a sense of loss or grieve, yet know no sting because of the oil you gladly administer; that I recognize as your love for me.  This is the refiners fire to a heart that is surrendered, not just willing to let Him consume all of me but one that has voiced a desire that He leave nothing to remain that does not serve His purposes for all of my days.  

In flashes, this moment makes sense to me.  Precept upon precept, line upon line; how collectively your words to me all have intertwined.  So I will welcome this fire and the beauty of things refined.

Life lessons when you least expect it...

There are many lessons Motherhood can teach us if we are willing to slow to and yield to those urgings that are contrary to the emotions that expose themselves when we feel as if we have been propelled past our boiling point.  You know those days that, if it can go wrong, it has and your frustrations have mounted far beyond that tight grip you thought you had on everything; so that you might continue to keep up with the appearance you think you're portraying.  Go ahead, laugh; cause you know its true.  It's but an appearance.  For every success, the list of failures threaten to overshadow them most days.  So...today was one of those days for me.  No, in all honesty I have had a few weeks of these kinds of days lately.

Maybe a short recollection would serve to bring you up to speed, not to mention make you feel a little better about your life.  In no given order, here you go.  Child A decides to use a golf club as a weed whacker and takes out a waterline in the process.  Child B decides that it is all of a sudden her place to argue with every word that comes out of your mouth while making an excuse for everything she does not get or do right.  Oh and add hormones to that mix, which led to a melt down in the back yard for all the neighbors to hear.  Child C lives to get into things just because she can and leave you the mess to clean up when she's done.  Six clothes changes in one day.  Several brand new bottles of facial wash emptied in a matter of days.  Waterproof sunscreen smeared on your rear view mirror and overhead mirrors.  Yes, I know pretty trivial and basically child's play and there is certainly more than the above mentioned.  It adds up fast some days.

Today seemed no different with everyone off task and off schedule and I was really feeling the failures start to out weigh our successes.  Reprimands and discussions began shortly after we walked through the door.  TV privileges revoked as a consequence.  I really hoped for a turn around. 

Then bath time came.  As I sat in the porch swing for a breather while they got their baths, I saw Child C pass the window and proceed to the front door in her birthday suit.  She locked the front door and ran back to the bathroom.  To this the demand to open the front door quickly followed.  She obliged and darted off again.  While I investigated, she tucked herself safely into a hiding place.  A brand new bottle of Shampoo had been dispersed completely into the bath tub, suds everywhere.  A basket full of clean towels vanished out of sight.  

Yes, it would be fair to say I was almost to a boiling point since this was not a first offense and she had been disciplined for this very thing already.  I headed for the  kitchen to retrieve one of the feared wooden spoons and made my way up the stairs.  In a calm but authoritative voice, which I was really trying hard to maintain, I demanded that the door be opened. 

Ten minutes later I am still standing in the same spot, refusing to pick the lock.  Maybe it wasn't quite that long but so it seemed.  I sat down quietly on the top step and listened to her sob.  I thought how familiar that sound was to me almost like an echo within.  I couldn't help but think of the times I messed up and sobbed like this because I knew the error of my ways.  I thought of how she ran and locked herself in behind a door she thought was protecting her.  Was this what my reactions or responses in times past, were teaching her?  Was this a learned behavior in fear of my anger?  No, no those kinds of things are not allowed to operate in our home.  This was clearly a response of our human condition, how we run and hide from the one who loves us the most; fearing disappointment, rejection or correction.  

I sat quietly until she started calling out my name, in fear I wasn't still waiting on the other side of that door.  She cried out for me time and time again and softly I repeated, " I'm right here precious, just open the door."  Her words came back, "But I don't want a spanking mama."  So I asked her, "Did she deserve a spanking" and she hesitantly replied, "Yes she did".  So once again I told her, mama wants you to open the door.  She slowly opened the door and found my arms pulling her into my lap as they wrapped gently about her and we cried together. 

 In this moment, Grace was defined to me in a way that struck a chord.  This was her first taste of it and God allowed me to be used of him to demonstrate this wild and crazy thing that's so hard for us to understand.  Not only did he use me but he allowed me to see the process and what it flows out of.  She deserved correction and she knew it.  She had to trust my love for her in opening that door; trust that my response would be love, no matter what it entailed.  And I had to judge her heart and respond accordingly.  I knew she knew she was wrong and I knew the only right response was Grace. 

Thank you God for the gifts and the responsibilities you have given me.

Be still and know....

Shaken....
worn and tattered fragments of yester year
so few traces of the peace and joy I hold dear
disbelief and disillusionment with an ounce of fear
oh my God, How did I get here

I fight and I fall; lock myself in away from it all
but oh how seclusion lies, brings no relief to a tormented mind
I twist and I turn; will I ever honestly be able to say that I have lived and I have learned
Broken free from my doubt and all these insecurities that fight to define me now

My defenses, they want to run high
who will I blame this time for feeling gun shy
compelled to run, compelled to hide
hell bent on no one seeing me cry

All these voices, they shout at me
but yours; whispers in monotone, steady and stable
the voice, the voice of a savior?

I can hear it; faintly without straining
if I quiet myself and focus on the words that you're saying
All heaven help me now, keep me from interjecting
Silence me of all the contrary utterances that are formulating

Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble (time of need).
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.[c] *  Selah

 4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

 7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.... *Selah

10 “Be still, and know that I am God...

* Selah- according to the Amplified, to pause and calmly think about.

Study Notes taken from "The Full Life Study Bible"
46:1-2  This psalm expresses trust and confidence in God during a time of instability and insecurity.  (1)The power and ability to face the uncertainties and adversities of life are found in God. "Refuge" pictures a shelter from danger, indicating that God is our true security in the storms of life.  "Strength" refers to his might when battling the things that come against us and includes his energy that works powerfully in us and enables us to overcome obstacles in life.(2)The end result is that he is "an ever-present help in trouble."  He is sufficient for any situation and never leaves our side: thus, we need not fear.
46:4 God's "river" is the continual flow of his grace, glory and power in the midst of his faithful people. It flows from the throne of God and constantly refreshes believers... The most significant blessing of this river is that it brings God into the midst of his people.
46:10 Be Still.  The Hebrew here can also be translated, "let go," i.e., quit holding on to things that keep you from exalting God and giving him his proper place in your life.

Pondering on this pleasantly cool October morning...

As I opened myself up to worship Him this morning I was reminded of something God showed me a few years ago and the revelation that I was given pertaining to it.  I recalled a favorite childhood past time that I have taught to my children; that of creating a whirlpool.  I saw children laughing and in awe of this thing they created, this force they could not out run and could not stop, delighted over how it carried them. My thoughts began to expand on the makings of this whirlpool, how all the potential is there and all it takes is one person to begin a forward motion, around and around. As others joined in, momentum increased and the force got stronger and before you know it, it is carrying you.

Then by way of the Holy Spirit, His thoughts became my thoughts.  These waters represented Him.  My position is in Him, moving in a forward motion, gaining momentum from the truths I have discovered, the faith I choose to pursue and the individuals that I worship in one accord with.  My act of aligning myself with Him, The Word, and the leading of the Holy Spirit, propels me forward; us forward.  When we desire to serve God and long for those around us to experience the fullness of all of His attributes, we choose to position our selves in the depths of Him and we knowingly (intentionally) take measure to remain in the deep.

As we step into the flow of God (notice I didn't say into a flow but rather "the" flow of God) and begin to walk forward, we discover a current behind us.  As we gather momentum and find others that have the same desire; that have made the same covenant with God, we create an even stronger force.  The water begins to draw; to move others that have ventured into the water but clung to the edge for fear of...(you fill in the blank)  and sometimes carry them until they are able to and have resolved to stand and begin this forward motion with us.  It is in our obedience to take that  which God has entrusted, revealed to us and "live it", "become it", and "be it" that we have the most impact on the world around us.  This flow, this forward motion, this current is LOVE and "it" has the power to draw "all" men.  Remember it can not be out run, it can not be stopped and it will eventually over take you when you yield to it (which I highly recommend).

What is the purpose of a whirlpool?  To where does it draw all things or in this case all men?  TO THE CENTER OF IT ALL.  And we know HE IS THE CENTER OF IT ALL.

I've found myself pausing to reflect on the meaning of this weekend and the accounts that so justify its significance.  I have felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and praise, as I have seen or heard many others express as well.

Something in my spirit caused a shift in my focus however and opened a realm of revelation that has so caused an undoing of myself and the understanding of the Life, Death and Resurrection of my beloved.

I have always looked through my own eyes to imagine and watch Christ's life play out before me but this weekend I was quickened to a different perspective.  It being one of a father, but not just that of any father.  The Father, the giver of life, the omnipotent and omnipresent one.

I imagined how he must have felt as he watched Christ being beaten for our transgressions and wounded for our iniquities.  The pain and agony that had to have pierced his heart as Christ asked, "Father why have you forsaken me".  I could only imagine him having to turn his eyes away from the onslaught of injustices that Christ was to endure, fervently reminding himself of the magnitude this event would serve.

I know many have questioned God and his actions in allowing this event to take place.  Many have been convinced further that he is a cruel and unjust god.

But in my minds eye, it only goes to speak further of his love for you and I.

To know that, before time began, God foresaw the sacrifice of his only begotten son and resolved to endure the suffering of a brutal end for the sake of his creation; that which he poured a measure of himself into.  To watch him grow in stature, wisdom and knowledge; knowing that his life would be one of unwavering obedience that would lead to an onslaught of suffering.

Even with the foresight of what this event would accomplish, could I standby and endure this measure of pain all in the name of love, removing myself from the very moment?

He loved us so much that he was willing to submit himself to what we consider one of the rawest of offenses of the heart; an offense against one that we love but not just anyone, his own flesh and blood.

He could have chosen a different approach to create the same bridge between us and himself but he chose the ultimate sacrifice to communicate the height and depths of his love for us.

The very knowledge of this moves me beyond anything this world could ever offer me.

The drama of Anna Belle Alivia Grace....

So I am sitting here doing what I do best- reflecting; on the miracle of another precious baby girl.  There are no words adequate enough to describe what each of them have meant to me.  I am overwhelmed with joy and immense gratitude at the honor of holding their hand and their heart in this journey we call life.  I love them more with each passing day. They each represent the beginning of new chapters in my life.

    I would have to say that the beginning of Annie's life was one of the hardest times of mine.  To say that pregnancy disagreed with me, would be an understatement by all means.  The trips in and out of the hospital, the cup or plastic bag that became my vice and went with me everywhere, the 20-25 lbs that I lost instead of starting to gain, and the ability to take care of 2 other children and a home.  I was doing good to get myself out of the bed, bathe and get dressed without collapsing.  It felt as if something had declared war on my body and was determined to settle for nothing less than destroying the life within me and taking me down as well.

    Everyday was a fight, physically and mentally and emotionally.  The fear of losing this child or the disabilities or problems she might have due to my condition was a private battle that I fought in my heart daily.  Nothing the doctor's tried seemed to work.  No, not even the medication for patients undergoing chemo, to treat the intense nausea they deal with.  The doctors termed it as "Morning Sickness from Hell"  otherwise known as Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  Most cases of this end in hospitalization for the extent of the pregnancy or termination of it.  I wouldn't deem either of these options as being acceptable and so I resolved to create my own.
    Putting on my "big girl panties" had been tried.  "Man-ing up" was not going to get me through it.  Declaring God's word and His promises over my life and the life that He placed inside of me; what did I have to lose?  Some may say I had a lot to lose by trusting in a non existent, man made myth of some sort.  I on the other hand "knew" otherwise.  I knew not to underestimate the power of the the spoken word, especially those of God's promises.  I had experience the power in "declaring" life over someone first hand and will forever be grateful for the wisdom, strength and faith my grandmother had in her declarations over my life.   

    I don't recall being labeled as a strong willed child; stubborn, yes but I like to think of it more as determined.  I was determined enough to declare wholeness and complete health over her life and one declaration built faith for the next.  The principle behind declaring is not that of asking God for something.  It is the realization that His word has already told me that it is mine and I am going after it to lay hold of it.  Does it seem demanding? Yes, but why believe God is capable and not expect him to deliver.  I decided I was through with it all.  No more sickness, no more fear, no room for doubt and unbelief.  Was this easy?  Did it all just disappear?  No.  But I made a conscious choice not to give into any of it and little by little it subsided. (I know that this is not always the case with things in life but there is peace to be had in knowing that I did not prevent something from transpiring because of my lack to fight for it.)

   I began to watch my waistline (and only my waistline) grow as she thrived inside me, always measuring more than was expected.  My excitement rose with each passing month in anticipation of the long days and sleepless nights I would endure for the honor of caring for one of the most precious gifts God was giving to me.   (Call me crazy but ask me to deliver a baby and then care for all their needs for the next year and I will think I have just died and gone to heaven.) My heart was full and overflowing.

On November 19, 2006 it burst and has been overwhelmed ever since.  Almost three weeks early, 8lbs and just over 21 inches with a head full of jet black hair, the cutest little dimples when she makes certain faces, she could not have been any more healthy and whole nor more perfect.

An Altar...

At this very moment I sit in a room of clutter; with very few possessions of my own to bring me comfort or to make me feel at home.  It also bears little resemblance to the serene, peaceful refuge it once was.  I spend my last wakeful moments and my dawning ones too, in this very room.  So much is and has been contemplated within these four walls.

Today has revealed to me why I am  here in this room once again.  I found myself here once before and it is time to find myself again.

Appearances change.  Circumstances change.  Things can be re-purposed.  However the core, of most things, does not change.

This room was established as an altar more than twenty years ago.  Many prayers and petitions have been uttered here.  But even still many more tears have fallen in this place.

The color of the walls, the furnishings, the fact that it’s partly used as storage for one of my daddy’s prized collections, really has no bearing on what this room is.  Just like our lives,  a lot of the things that are in them really have no bearing on what they were created for; what we were created for, what we were called or established for.

This room was always meant to be an altar for my life; long before this home was constructed or I was ever born.  This was all in the heart of God.  He prepared a place for me to meet with him, to cry out for and to him.  A place I could lay at his feet.  A place no tear would go unnoticed and no wound would go unattended to.

This is the place I found myself in Him and found Him in myself.

How often do you allow Him to lead you back to that place?