Pondering on this pleasantly cool October morning...

As I opened myself up to worship Him this morning I was reminded of something God showed me a few years ago and the revelation that I was given pertaining to it.  I recalled a favorite childhood past time that I have taught to my children; that of creating a whirlpool.  I saw children laughing and in awe of this thing they created, this force they could not out run and could not stop, delighted over how it carried them. My thoughts began to expand on the makings of this whirlpool, how all the potential is there and all it takes is one person to begin a forward motion, around and around. As others joined in, momentum increased and the force got stronger and before you know it, it is carrying you.

Then by way of the Holy Spirit, His thoughts became my thoughts.  These waters represented Him.  My position is in Him, moving in a forward motion, gaining momentum from the truths I have discovered, the faith I choose to pursue and the individuals that I worship in one accord with.  My act of aligning myself with Him, The Word, and the leading of the Holy Spirit, propels me forward; us forward.  When we desire to serve God and long for those around us to experience the fullness of all of His attributes, we choose to position our selves in the depths of Him and we knowingly (intentionally) take measure to remain in the deep.

As we step into the flow of God (notice I didn't say into a flow but rather "the" flow of God) and begin to walk forward, we discover a current behind us.  As we gather momentum and find others that have the same desire; that have made the same covenant with God, we create an even stronger force.  The water begins to draw; to move others that have ventured into the water but clung to the edge for fear of...(you fill in the blank)  and sometimes carry them until they are able to and have resolved to stand and begin this forward motion with us.  It is in our obedience to take that  which God has entrusted, revealed to us and "live it", "become it", and "be it" that we have the most impact on the world around us.  This flow, this forward motion, this current is LOVE and "it" has the power to draw "all" men.  Remember it can not be out run, it can not be stopped and it will eventually over take you when you yield to it (which I highly recommend).

What is the purpose of a whirlpool?  To where does it draw all things or in this case all men?  TO THE CENTER OF IT ALL.  And we know HE IS THE CENTER OF IT ALL.

I've found myself pausing to reflect on the meaning of this weekend and the accounts that so justify its significance.  I have felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and praise, as I have seen or heard many others express as well.

Something in my spirit caused a shift in my focus however and opened a realm of revelation that has so caused an undoing of myself and the understanding of the Life, Death and Resurrection of my beloved.

I have always looked through my own eyes to imagine and watch Christ's life play out before me but this weekend I was quickened to a different perspective.  It being one of a father, but not just that of any father.  The Father, the giver of life, the omnipotent and omnipresent one.

I imagined how he must have felt as he watched Christ being beaten for our transgressions and wounded for our iniquities.  The pain and agony that had to have pierced his heart as Christ asked, "Father why have you forsaken me".  I could only imagine him having to turn his eyes away from the onslaught of injustices that Christ was to endure, fervently reminding himself of the magnitude this event would serve.

I know many have questioned God and his actions in allowing this event to take place.  Many have been convinced further that he is a cruel and unjust god.

But in my minds eye, it only goes to speak further of his love for you and I.

To know that, before time began, God foresaw the sacrifice of his only begotten son and resolved to endure the suffering of a brutal end for the sake of his creation; that which he poured a measure of himself into.  To watch him grow in stature, wisdom and knowledge; knowing that his life would be one of unwavering obedience that would lead to an onslaught of suffering.

Even with the foresight of what this event would accomplish, could I standby and endure this measure of pain all in the name of love, removing myself from the very moment?

He loved us so much that he was willing to submit himself to what we consider one of the rawest of offenses of the heart; an offense against one that we love but not just anyone, his own flesh and blood.

He could have chosen a different approach to create the same bridge between us and himself but he chose the ultimate sacrifice to communicate the height and depths of his love for us.

The very knowledge of this moves me beyond anything this world could ever offer me.

The drama of Anna Belle Alivia Grace....

So I am sitting here doing what I do best- reflecting; on the miracle of another precious baby girl.  There are no words adequate enough to describe what each of them have meant to me.  I am overwhelmed with joy and immense gratitude at the honor of holding their hand and their heart in this journey we call life.  I love them more with each passing day. They each represent the beginning of new chapters in my life.

    I would have to say that the beginning of Annie's life was one of the hardest times of mine.  To say that pregnancy disagreed with me, would be an understatement by all means.  The trips in and out of the hospital, the cup or plastic bag that became my vice and went with me everywhere, the 20-25 lbs that I lost instead of starting to gain, and the ability to take care of 2 other children and a home.  I was doing good to get myself out of the bed, bathe and get dressed without collapsing.  It felt as if something had declared war on my body and was determined to settle for nothing less than destroying the life within me and taking me down as well.

    Everyday was a fight, physically and mentally and emotionally.  The fear of losing this child or the disabilities or problems she might have due to my condition was a private battle that I fought in my heart daily.  Nothing the doctor's tried seemed to work.  No, not even the medication for patients undergoing chemo, to treat the intense nausea they deal with.  The doctors termed it as "Morning Sickness from Hell"  otherwise known as Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  Most cases of this end in hospitalization for the extent of the pregnancy or termination of it.  I wouldn't deem either of these options as being acceptable and so I resolved to create my own.
    Putting on my "big girl panties" had been tried.  "Man-ing up" was not going to get me through it.  Declaring God's word and His promises over my life and the life that He placed inside of me; what did I have to lose?  Some may say I had a lot to lose by trusting in a non existent, man made myth of some sort.  I on the other hand "knew" otherwise.  I knew not to underestimate the power of the the spoken word, especially those of God's promises.  I had experience the power in "declaring" life over someone first hand and will forever be grateful for the wisdom, strength and faith my grandmother had in her declarations over my life.   

    I don't recall being labeled as a strong willed child; stubborn, yes but I like to think of it more as determined.  I was determined enough to declare wholeness and complete health over her life and one declaration built faith for the next.  The principle behind declaring is not that of asking God for something.  It is the realization that His word has already told me that it is mine and I am going after it to lay hold of it.  Does it seem demanding? Yes, but why believe God is capable and not expect him to deliver.  I decided I was through with it all.  No more sickness, no more fear, no room for doubt and unbelief.  Was this easy?  Did it all just disappear?  No.  But I made a conscious choice not to give into any of it and little by little it subsided. (I know that this is not always the case with things in life but there is peace to be had in knowing that I did not prevent something from transpiring because of my lack to fight for it.)

   I began to watch my waistline (and only my waistline) grow as she thrived inside me, always measuring more than was expected.  My excitement rose with each passing month in anticipation of the long days and sleepless nights I would endure for the honor of caring for one of the most precious gifts God was giving to me.   (Call me crazy but ask me to deliver a baby and then care for all their needs for the next year and I will think I have just died and gone to heaven.) My heart was full and overflowing.

On November 19, 2006 it burst and has been overwhelmed ever since.  Almost three weeks early, 8lbs and just over 21 inches with a head full of jet black hair, the cutest little dimples when she makes certain faces, she could not have been any more healthy and whole nor more perfect.

An Altar...

At this very moment I sit in a room of clutter; with very few possessions of my own to bring me comfort or to make me feel at home.  It also bears little resemblance to the serene, peaceful refuge it once was.  I spend my last wakeful moments and my dawning ones too, in this very room.  So much is and has been contemplated within these four walls.

Today has revealed to me why I am  here in this room once again.  I found myself here once before and it is time to find myself again.

Appearances change.  Circumstances change.  Things can be re-purposed.  However the core, of most things, does not change.

This room was established as an altar more than twenty years ago.  Many prayers and petitions have been uttered here.  But even still many more tears have fallen in this place.

The color of the walls, the furnishings, the fact that it’s partly used as storage for one of my daddy’s prized collections, really has no bearing on what this room is.  Just like our lives,  a lot of the things that are in them really have no bearing on what they were created for; what we were created for, what we were called or established for.

This room was always meant to be an altar for my life; long before this home was constructed or I was ever born.  This was all in the heart of God.  He prepared a place for me to meet with him, to cry out for and to him.  A place I could lay at his feet.  A place no tear would go unnoticed and no wound would go unattended to.

This is the place I found myself in Him and found Him in myself.

How often do you allow Him to lead you back to that place?

We will never be of any value to the kingdom of God if we can't look past the facade of humanity and see God's divine creation.  The image and likeness in which we were all formed.  Wonderfully and fearfully made.  This is not to be selective but to apply to all.  There is something of worth, value, a treasure within each and everyone.

Its when this is ignored, discounted, devalued, abused or left unnurtured, that we are left to deal with the unlovely and ugly consequences that further undermined the truth.

When God deals with us, looks upon us, does he ridicule, mock, point out our shortcomings and weaknesses?  No, he illuminates the good in which he sees in us and encourages us to shoot for this standard in all aspects of our life.

We all have the same God given assignment, To love this world back to its creator.

I was standing in the kitchen this morning, putting the girls’ lunches together, reflecting on the chaos of my life. Not just hectic schedules and dealing with everyday issues but the mental and spiritual battles that result from the deep things that we like to hide, cover up or just don’t want, have time or make time to face. You know the ones that most of us keep responding to the same way over and over again but expect different results. I’m learning how to face these things this season of my life. 

Every time I chose to hit them head on, I am surprised by what I find, a sense of peace, a sense of power, and an overwhelming sense of his presence all around. I can hear him say my name, sometimes calling me, encouraging me “One more step, a little closer now, you can do this.” There’s a statement I made to myself recently that I think sums up this place I am at today. “I am not looking to be rescued, I already have a savior.” Basically what I meant by this was, I’m not crying out help get me out of this mess. I am instead acknowledging who he is and what he has already done for me.

So this morning I was talking with the Holy Spirit and he kind of challenged my thinking, my perspective a little. (On a side note, even Microsoft Word knows the importance of the Holy Spirit, shows that it should be capitalized.) Let’s just say that I am being tested from every angle these days. I was encouraging myself with the scriptures that we all know and use at these times. For instance, Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[a] who[b] have been called according to his purpose. A thought popped into my mind or maybe it was whispered in my ear, “Does it always have to be about you?” It wasn’t haughty or judgmental, more like a fleeting thought. But it got my attention. 

 How many times do I choose to praise God because of what his word promises me or because of what “I” will get out of it? How often do I stop and recognize and just acknowledge him for who he is? Praise him for this, nothing more, nothing less, just the very fact that he is God, that he is worthy of all my praise. 

When I do this, I am telling him that my circumstance, my situation, the things that push and pull at me, they are not enough to keep me from him. He “is” all I need, what he has already done is more than enough for me. My love, my faith, my trust, my ability to surrender become limitless when I grasp this understanding, that too often I lose or allow to become overshadowed. My praise becomes selfless, my motives, pure and my heart, light. So what if things don’t go as I’d hoped or don’t change as soon as I would like, He is God and that is more than enough for me.

I feel asleep last night with a very thought provoking statement in my mind. I awoke this morning with a remembrance of this thought but could not get it to formulate in my mind once again. I asked the holy spirit to bring it to my remembrance. He did. This is that statement.

"Emotions are a powerful tool if brought under submission of the rule and reign of our King."

What follows are the thoughts that transpired from this statement.

How else can you be lead by compassion or be sensitive to the spirit? To shut down is to shut off your connection with God. You can't experience intimacy if you can't feel anything. And to be overly sensitive is to be rendered powerless. You have given away your authority.

If emotions were not meant to be an instrumental part of our lives, why have so many suffered attacks in this very area of their lives? We have to learn to control them so they do not control us. We have to bring them under submission with the truth, the word of God. Only then will we find balance and be affective or more affective in the kingdom of God.

You can't be lead by emotion and lead of the Spirit. One will always control the other.

It's not an easy lesson to learn. I'm sure everyone carries a lot of their own battle scars from this very issue. It starts out as a thought that was provoked by a feeling/emotion and if not under submission it threatens every aspect of our lives.

If things in our lives are not what we think or know they should be, then this is a great place to start and evaluate "Why do I feel the way I do?" I bet most of it, if not all, will not have any truth to it. It will not line up with His truth and what He thinks and feels about you.

The lies we believe. Why is it so much easier to believe a lie than it is the truth? And if you think that it's easier to just not feel anything at all, I'm here to tell you that the hurt and the pain that you have encountered is not greater than all the benefits of His love for you. I would rather endure hell and receive the benefits of His love for me than to not feel anything at all. His love and the benefits of it are more than worth it.